"SPACE JAM"
(though since jordon starred in it, it should have been called "Space Brick")
The gist of the movie is this: Moron mountain, a theme park on another planet (though really a better name for the United Center), is suffering. The evil owner of Moron Mountain decides that the Looney Tunes of Earth would be the ideal attraction to boost interest, so he sends his evil, short yes-men to earth to enslave the Looney Tunes.
They would succeed except Bugs Bunny convinces them that they have to best them in a challenge of their choosing before they can enslave them. Since the aliens are short, the Tunes decide basketball would be ideal. They inform the aliens that the NBA is the home of the world's greatest basketball players.
Meanwhile, jordon has announced his retirement from basketball and is making a bigger fool of himself (hard to imagine) striking out in the minor leagues. jordon gets a ride home from the team's promo man (played by "Newman" from Seinfeld). When he gets home, he gets jumped by his bulldog who licks his face so much, that I read the credits closely to see if David Stern played the part. "Newman" was jordon's butt-kisser, which would have been the ideal role for Ahmad Rashad.
The aliens proceed to go to the NBA games and steal the talent from the "best" NBA players: SuperPatrickEwingPower, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Boggues, and Shawn Bradley (3 out of 5 isn't bad, I guess. Though, I can't figure out why they didn't steal SuperStarks ability, while in NY...perhaps b/c he is Soooo powerful and handsome that there was just toooo much ability, and it couldn't be contained in the Aliens). The 5 players couldn't even catch a basketball after having their ability stolen (It was hard to notice a difference in Shawn Bradley).
The Tunes see the Aliens, who have grown into grotesque giant forms of the NBA players (except Boggues), practice and realize how grim their situation is. And go for help. Any smart Toon would have went and recruited Spoon, or Mitch Richmond, or SuperStarks, but then greedy jordon wouldn't have got his $$$. I guess that's why they are called "Looney."
[Break: For those wondering, the Tunes live below ground. You have to pass through a porthole..a Warner Bros. symbol...to get into Toon land].
jordon is now out on the golf course with Larry Bird, Bill Murray, and Newman-Rashad (his caddie). Murray thinks he could be a NBA player and keeps bugging jordon and Larry about their assessment of his ability. In jordon-like fashion, they gamble on "closest to the pin" on a par 3. Larry Bird gets very close, Murray gets close, but not as close. jordon, unrealistically, hits the green (in real life, jordon would hit it 5 feet, declare a mulligan, do the same, mulligan, hit it 200 yards, realize that his driver isn't needed on a par 3, take a mulligan, etc, until he finally got on the green). Bugs, is underneath the green, and with the use of a magnet, gets jordon's ball to land in the hole (jordon must have been using a ball with an iron core?) When jordon gets his ball out, Bugs pulls him through the hole, takes him to Toon land, and explains the situation to him. This proves that either Bugs is the greatest actor of all-time, or the biggest idiot. Anyone with half a brain would have taken Larry Bird and left Foolish jordon there with Newman-Rashad.
jordon agrees to help out the tunes. UNREALISTIC!!!! jordon would demand a lot of $$$ for his "help". Probably a cut from their merchandise, or else he would make them be indentured servants in his overseas sweatshops.
It turns out the Tunes really suck, outside of Lola Bunny, whose purpose in the movie is to "stir the loins" of the little jr. high jordon jockers who may watch. However, jordon jockers only have eyes for jordon. For some reason, Foolish jordon doesn't take Road Runner on his team, who would be perfect in a fast break. However, the Bulls and the rest of the NBA, don't run, so that may explain it.
Meanwhile, Newman-Rashad is beside himself since jordon has apparently disappeared. He digs a hole and ends up in Toon land himself. jordon puts him on the end of the bench (I'm sure Newman has more power points than jordon, and jordon didn't want to be showed up).
The Big game is underway. jordon is hogging the ball and getting killed. The halftime score is 65-18. Lola Bunny, in a Pippen-like effort, has been carrying the team, but jordon's grandstanding is killing the team. Of course, he doesn't care, since he has not vested interest in the outcome.
At halftime, Newman-Rashad slips into the aliens' locker room and learns that they stole the NBA players' talent. Bugs fills a bottle with water and labels it "Michael's secret stuff" and everyone drinks it, thinking they can be just like jordon. SIDENOTE: I found this to be the most truthful part of the movie. jordon's success is water. Nothing solid, just wishy-washy. Plus, most of his "success" is due to the watering down of the NBA.
The Tunes come out pumped and start coming back. However, they start playing like Pippen, instead of jordon. They pass the ball, and hit the open man. However, they don't shoot any jumpshots (so in that sense, they do play like jordon). They just dunk. However, in a rare moment of truthfulness, the team comes back when the others start shooting, instead of jordon. Since Falk was producing the movie, he edited out all the parts where jordon is screaming at his teammates to pass him the ball so he can pad his stats (just like Game #5 of the 1996 finals).
Down by 1, jordon makes a personal bet with the owner of Moron Mountain: If the Tunes win, the aliens have to give the NBA players their talent back and if the aliens win, jordon will become a slave. Sound Noble? Don't be deceived: I'll explain later.
Then the Aliens start playing like the Bulls (Rodman taking Ewing's legs out from under him/Cartwright smashing Hakeem's orb) and start injuring players from the Toon team left and right. They are down to 4 and the official (Marvin Martian) informs them that must field 5 or else they will have to forfeit. jordon objects to letting Newman-Rashad play, since Newman-Rashad is better than jordon, but has to let him play, because Bugs threatens to pimp-slap him (jordon would rather forfeit).
One of the monsters falls towards Lola Bunny, and Bugs, a true, honorable hero, unlike jordon, pushes her away and gets squashed. Just when it looks like the Tunes will have to forfeit, in comes Bill Murray, to live his dream. In a complete exposing of his foolishness, jordon then learns what every one of us knew at the age of 4: You can do anything in Toon land.
Murray steals the ball from the aliens and passes to jordon. jordon is triple teamed at halfcourt and shoots anyway. Murray is standing under the basket and he says "pass it to me", then he realizes that jordon has the ball, and in a rare moment of truthfulness in this movie, says, "forget it." (HOWEVER, jordon is more than likely to pass it at the end of the game, since he fears taking the big shots.). jordon jumps to the basket, the aliens grab him, and jordon's arm stretches half the distance of the court, and he drops it in (UNREALISTIC: jordon would jam it, since he has no jump shot).
I think a more realistic ending would be jordon bricks, and starts crying that he was fouled. Marvin Martian turns into David Stern and declares that jordon was fouled and gives jordon his free throws. Meanwhile, in the background, you hear the music to "I believe I can cry."
The tunes win. jordon hogs all the credit. The aliens put their stolen ability in a basketball, and shrink to their miniature size, but not after they put their evil boss on a rocket and send him back home (I'm sure those poor, overworked, underpaid, child labor-sweatshop workers would like to do the same to jordon).
jordon hops on a Looney tunes rocket along with Newman and gets back to the baseball game where the fans are booing and the team is distraught w/o jordon and his 3 Ks killing their rallies.
jordon then goes to a gym and sees Ewing, Barkley, et. al, who have seen a lot of doctors and psychologists and such, and offers them their ability back. (Falk cut out the truth: If you see the director's cut, you see that jordon informs them that he's going to attempt to destroy the players' union and makes them swear allegiance to his cause and makes them sign over a % of their pay to him in return for their ability). The players offer to play a game of 3-on-3 with him, but jordon chickens out.
That's how the movie ends. It was an interesting movie. They kept the game close and the drama gripping by leaving jordon in the game. Had they played Foghorn Leghorn instead, the Tunes win in a rout. jordon was only slightly better than the little old lady who owns Tweetie and Sylvester. By keeping the worst player on the team in the game, the game stayed close.
The Tunes added intellectual depth to the otherwise monotonous and mundane jordon jocking. jordon is almost as bad of an actor as he is a team-basketball player. He certainly is no Shaq (Kazaam), Alex English (Amazing Grace and Chuck), Wilt (Conan the Destroyer), Pippen (ER), or Bernard King (Fast Break). He kept the movie from being a classic. jordon's acting abilities are better suited for something like a porno video. In spite of jordon, the Tunes do a solid enough acting job to merit 2 thumbs up. Until next time, save me the aisle seat.
Judden Siskel.
