Who is the Spoon?
Who is the Spoon? Well, next to
"What is the meaning of life?" this is probably the most difficult question to
answer. The Spoon lives in the physical shell of one Clarence Weatherspoon. He
plays power forward for the Miami Heat. The Spoon blessed the earth with his
presense on September 8, 1970. He attended college at Southern Mississippi and
became the school's all-time leader in points, rebounds, and blocked shots. After 4
powerful seasons, he became only the 2nd athlete at So. Miss to have his uniform retired.
In the 1992 NBA draft, eight teams pulled the biggest mistake in their respective frachises' history by selecting such jabronis as Shaquille O'Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Christian Laettner, Jim Jackson, LaPhonso Ellis, Tom Gugliotta, Walt Williams, and Todd Day (ouch!!!). The Philadelphia 76ers, unable to believe the incredible fortune that had been bestowed upon them, wisely selected the Spoon with the 9th pick. Spoon drew many comparisons to former Sixer Charles Barkley, but the Spoon quickly surpassed the modest accomplishments of the Round Mound of Rebound.
The Spoon was ready to take his place alongside the Mt. Rushmore of Sixer basketball players (Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Erving, and Barkley), however, the franchise was plagued with incompetent coaches who didn't realize that they wielded the most powerful basketball weapon in history. The first numbskull was Doug Moe, who was fired in mid-season and replaced by Fred Carter. Carter wisely knew that the power of the Spoon fit naturally at the power forward position (though the Spoon can actually play all five positions). However, he didn't design the entire team around the Spoon, and the poor supporting cast, was unable to win apart from the Spoon. The Sixer front office continued to try to put their faith in 7'6" center Shawn Bradley, rather than the Spoon and lottery after lottery followed. Then, even more insulting, they drafted Sharone Wright and tried to move the Spoon at Small forward (there is NOTHING small about the Spoon!!!). This lack of faith continued to punish the Sixers as they got worse each season. Then, they hired John Lucas, a nice man, but a man who lacks basketball knowledge. Lucas tried to turn the Sixers into a halfway house and brought along such questionable characters as Vernon Maxwell, Richard Dumas, and Derrick Coleman. The Sixers drafted Jerry Stackhouse and Lucas ran the offense through him. The team continued to get worse.
Finally, after enduring much pain from Harold "Katzscan" Katz, Comcast bought out the Sixers and fired the front office. The Sixers, however, continued to struggle. They hired another mental midget, in Johnny Davis, and drafted Allen Iverson. The Spoon taught Iverson his famous crossover move and tutored him in many ways. We have seen the dividends pay off and Iverson is forever grateful for his time he spent learning from the Spoon. The Sixers continued to do worse, however, because Davis centered his offense on the guards rather than on the Spoon.
The Sixers then fired Davis and hired Larry Brown. Brown has done an admirable job of turning the Sixers around, but this is only because Iverson has applied the teachings of the Spoon. Brown benched the Spoon and then banished the Spoon to Golden State (along with Jim Jackson for ... cough, cough Joe Smith and Brian Shaw). The Sixers saw a slight improvement, but the team should have won the championship -- if only Brown had put his faith in the Spoon and centered the entire team around the Spoon!
After a brief stay in Golden State, where P.J. Carlisimo has proven his ineptness (look at how Sprewell did in New York!), Pat Riley wisely cleared up the necessary cap room and begged the Spoon to teach his players how to win. The Spoon signed with the Miami heat and even without 2 starters, the Spoon led Miami to the best record in the East, while the Spoon displayed his accuracy and led the team in field goal percentage, despite being quintriple-teamed!! Alonzo Mourning learned from the Spoon's example and had his finest season ever. However, Riley forgot that the Spoon was what made the team win, and he believed his coaching ability did it. His pride was his downfall and after taking minutes from the Spoon in favor of Jamal Mashburn (no 'D' in his name), the Heat started their downward spiral, ending with an embarrasing defeat in the playoffs to the 8th seeded New York Knicks. Riley has hopefully learned what the Sixers did: The Spoon is the way to the title.
The Spoon has done many other things, as well. In 1991, Spoon led Operation Desert Storm. General Shwartkopf gave Spoon a basketball and had him dribble toward the Iraqi troops. The Iraqis fled in fear, because they know you do NOT take a charge from the Spoon.
In November 1995, Spoon was secretly sent over to the Bosnia. He mediated a ceasefire, because the warring sides realized that their love for the Spoon far outweighed their hatred for each other.
On his free time, the Spoon also works on cures to serious diseases, solutions to world hunger, and advancements in the world of science. His trophy case is full of many humanitarian and Nobel prizes. The Spoon is heavily involved in Easter Seals.
Although many women around the world lust for the Spoon and throw rose petals before his feet, the Spoon is a faithful family man. His teammates admire him and college professors write papers on him. It is easy to see why the Spoon is clearly the most significant figure of the 20th century.