PSALMS TO THE SPOON
Here are a collection of posts of mine from the Usenet newsgroup rec.sport.basketball.pro in which I spread the message of the Spoon to the masses.
Title: Shaq-Fu video game-I found a new code!
Date: 1995/06/10
While playing Shaq Fu, I tried punching in a code (I won't tell...it's privledged info), and it brought out a new opponent--the Spoon.
I tried and I tried to defeat the Spoon, but it was
just impossible. The Spoon would not yield and I finally gave up. Then the Spoon jostled
Shaq and made him cry...game over
Title: Re: Smell the Players??
Date: 1995/10/26
sweeting@interlog.com (Stephen P. Sweeting) writes:
The Post's Toronto correspondent, Anne Swardson, quotes Peterson as saying "Its a very sensual sport. You can touch 'em, feel 'em, smell em. You're quite removed in baseball. Less so in hockey, but you can't >smell them, its too cold. Basketball is terribly modern and terribly American"".
>Any Comments?
My response:
Anne was in error.
The rose-smell wasn't the Philly players, but rather the rose petals that are thrown before the feet of the Spoon. When he walks out and takes his warm-ups, his heirem goes before him, tossing petals everywhere he treads, thus, cluttering up that end of the court with rose petals and giving the arena a rosy scent. (Then, the petals are swept away after Spoon goes to the locker room).
And Pippen's perfume is just too strong ;)
Judden
First Tiger, Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: 2 more Tyson fight proposals
Date: 1995/08/22
Note: This posts took place after Mike Tyson got done defeating some Big White Stiff (BWS) after being released from prison -- the first time.
This just in:
Tyronne "Muggsy" Boggues has offered to fight Mike Tyson free of purse. Says Muggsy, "the guys and overrated wuss. I challenge lots of BWS's in the paint each year w/o problem, and no one pays pay-per-view rates to watch me. It's time to put an end to this Tyson-hype."
The Tyson camp declined. Don King, speaking on behalf of Tyson read a prepared statement which said, "As much as Mr. Tyson was intrigued by the offer, we have to decline. Mr. Boggues doesn't qualify for heavyweight division, and Mike doesn't wish to lose 60 pounds. Besides, we've got 5 more BWS's lined up. Thank you."
Shortly afterward, Clarence Weatherspoon offered to fight the former champion and offered to let Tyson fight without gloves and with brass knuckles while Spoon would tie 1 arm behind his back, tie his shoelaces together, and swing a pillow.
King, on behalf of Tyson said, "%$#! NO! You think we're stupid? This is a comeback, not a death wish!! Mike would rather go back to prison then to stand toe-to-toe with the Spoon! But we would be willing to challenge Spoon's teammate Shawn Bradley ... as long as we can work out a lucrative pay-per-view deal and as long as Weatherspoon promises not to train Bradley."
In other news, a proposed Wilt Chamberlain-George Foreman fight is being rumored. More details later.
Judden
First Tiger Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: face it Rob: Ghiza ain't the
Spoon!
Date: 1995/04/01
Note: A newsgroup advesary named Rob Carpenter was a Spoon blasphemer in every sense of the word and jocked Gheorghe "Ghitza" Muresan, even starting up a Muresan Usenet Fan Club.
To Rob Carpenter:
Mr. Carpenter,
It has recently come to our attention that you are
sending undo and unmerited hype to a certain stiff in Washington by the name of Gheorghe
Muresan. Your excessive posts do nothing but belittle your cause. Quantity of hype makes
not a player (except in Shaq's case), but rather the *Quality*. Take for instance the hype
that our messenger, Air Judden, gives to Clarence Weatherspoon. That is the wholesome
truth. If "Ghiza" (no doubt a feeble attempt by your followers to coin Mr.
Muresan with a catchy nickname, like the Spoon's--though "Ghiza" is lame) could
leap from the free throw line and jam it on the OTHER goal, like the Spoon can, then your
hype would be worthy.
If Ghiza could score 200 on a given night, like the Spoon (although Spoon is currently
more interested in improving his teammates play and confidence), then your hype would be
worthy.
If Ghiza's teammates, out of love and admiration for him, would go out and beat the
league's best team in light of his absence (much like the Sixers did by beating NY after
the Spoon was injured, in the infamous "win it for the Spooner" game of '94),
then your hype would be worthy.
If Ghiza, like Spoon could post quintriple doubles on a nightly basis (although, as
previously mentioned, Spoon is currently tutoring his teammates to improve their play),
then your hype would be worthy.
And finally, if Ghiza were capable of inventing time machines, perfecting cold fusion, solving world hunger, and inspiring the masses to improve themselves, as the Spoon does, then your hype would be worthy.
However, your hype is not worthy. Stop the senseless drivel, lest we punish you and your team (although your team can't get much worse).
Sincerely,
The basketball gods
Members of the Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: Hey Rooooob! (Spoon yokes on Boy
Gheorge Muresan)
Date: 1995/11/05
Note: The aforementioned Rob Carpenter spent 2 weeks before the 1995-96 season opener (between Muresan's Bullets and Spoon's Sixers) declaring that the Sixers would lose and the Spoon would be humbled. The Sixers won and the Spoon had 22 points and 15 rebounds.
Oh Robbie,
I'd crow on you, but it would be like shooting fish in a barrel.
There is a fine point between a brave man and a fool, and young Rob crossed it a long time ago. Woofing BEFORE the Philly-Washington game? That, my friend, is hardly bravery. (and woofing against the Spoon is suicide). The last time I saw something so foolhardy was when Jayson Williams said the Nets would have no problem with the Knicks in the 1994 playoffs. Oh my!
Young Robert, you are grounded from recess, and you must write 500 sentences: I will not blaspheme the Spoon.
.....
*FLUSH*
Judden
First Tiger, Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: Re: Penny Commercial
Date: 1995/11/16
James K. Cotten wrote:
... the fact that Penny is the FIRST PLAYER IN NBA HISTORY TO HAVE A PUPPET FASHIONED AFTER HIS LIKENESS just proves he's the best.
To which the powerful Glide (former president of the Clarence Weatherspoon Fan club) replied:
>>Nope. Spoon was the first player to have an eating utensil named after him, so he is clearly the best.
To which the Rob Carpenter replied:
>Bzzzt. Wrong answer ... He {Spoon} is the second to have a utensil named after him. And the second SPOON. Judden can explain.
to which I responded with:
BZZZZZZT! I looked into the annals (should be called "Anals") of Bullets History, and found an interesting tidbit. They had a guy named Nick Chokeartist. He lived up to the name in the 1975 NBA Championship. Ashamed of his performance (thought his family was proud of the way he carried the carried the family name), he sought a new last name. In his quest, he saw a kid he guessed was no more than 5 down at the local summer league schooling the likes of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Julius Erving. Nick couldn't believe the moves the small child had--and the congregation who was there to pay homage to the child. He asked the name of the child and the child said "Clarence Weatherspoon" and Nick decided to change his last name to Weatherspoon in hopes that maybe he could have 1/100000000th of the greatness of the child by sharing his last name. Yet Nick knew it would be blasphemy to take the nickname that was given to the child.
Judden
First Tiger, Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: My thoughts on the trade (life is
good)
Author: Derrick Coleman
Date: 1995/12/01
2 words: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!
I know many wonder if I'm a head case. The answer is no. I'm just sick of playing with those pathetic losers in New Jersey.
What will become of the PF logjam? Nothing. Sharone Wright and Scott Williams (and possibly me) will play center and I'll be content to sit on the bench and learn how to play basketball from the greatest player of all time, Clarence Weatherspoon.
Also, I'm enjoying the company of my new, pleasent roommate, Mr. Maxwell.
Many thought I was pushy and bossy in New Jersey, well, probably some. but I was so much beter than everyone else, it got frustrating. Now, I know my place, just like everyone else does....we are Spoon's supporting cast. And I look forward to winning a championship under Spoon's leadership.
Derrick Coleman
Newest Member (sergent at arms), Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: Re: All Cute Team
Date: 1996/01/23
castar@u.washington.edu (Carol Starovasnik) writes:
>Here's a thread for all you female RSBP'ers out there! GUYS can join in the fun at your own discretion!
>My picks:
>1. Cory Alexander
>2. Jimmy Jackson
>3. Grant Hill (any other suggestions? I couldn't think of another small forward to put here)
>4. Horace Grant
>5. ??? Can't think of a decent looking center
>Bench: Michael Jordan (go figure), B.J. Armstrong, Pooh Richardson, Lucious (or should I say 'Luscious' :)) Harris, Dana Barros, Scott Burrell
>Yes, I know; the bench isn't very deep (all guards). If anyone can think of guys who play the 3-5 positions that qualify as cute, please post to the newsgroup; no email, thank you!
My reply:
Yesterday, I wore my replica Clarence Weatherspoon jersey I just bought. No sooner did I leave my house, then a swarm of ladies screamed, "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" and though I tried to convince them that it was a replica jersey, they demanded I hand it over because there might be a chance that it is real. They hemmed me in, wanting to merely *TOUCH* a jersey that had Spoon's name on it. They chased me all over creation, insisting on ripping it right off of me. Were it not for the added stamina and strength I receive when I wear the Holy Shroud of Philadelphia, they would have succeeded.
My sources in Philadelphia say that there is an overwhelming demand from the female population for them to publish a Spoon calendar. Sports Illustrated desperately wants to make a Spoon swimsuit issue, but Clarence, the modest stud that he is, kindly refuses.
Likewise, when I saw Sacramento and Denver play an exhibition game at Topeka a couple of years ago, I noticed that women in the audience were fainting by the droves at the sight of Mitch Richmond.
I take it that these 2 guys qualify.
Judden
First Tiger, Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Title: John Lucas' folly
Date: 1996/01/30
I've been noticing that Superman has been getting 47 minutes/night here recently...That's the Sixers' problem.
John Lucas, are you listening? Give Spoon 48 minutes! I think that last minute will make the difference. Spoon is capable of scoring 20 points in one minute.
(his earlier folly was when he gave Spoon's position to Coleman and cut into Spoon's minutes)... players lost respect in Luke's coaching ability for doing something so obviously stupid.
The supposed early season injury (Actually, Spoon was over in Bosnia mediating the cease-fire, but he had to do it as a top-secret envoy) had the team's spirits down early, but the under-use of Spoon is really killing us this year.
47 minutes a night...sheesh.
For those of you wondering....Spoon told me that he is currently shaking all of the potential jock-riders off of the Philly bandwagon (there were a few who stuck around for Bradley and few new ones who think Stackhouse is the next Jordan). When all of the fair-weather people are gone, and times seem hopeless and at their worst, and only us hard-core, unshakable fans remain--then, and only then, will Spoon lead the Sixers to 82-0 season and the 6 consecutive championships that were foretold by the basketball prophesies of Moses and Isaiah (Malone and Thomas):
"Behold City of Brotherly love, keep the faith though the times seem bad, for verily, there is one coming, the one named after the utensil, who will lead you to the promised land of undefeated seasons and the 6 straight championships in which your team is named for" -- Moses
"Verily, Verily, I say unto thee, that the basketball Messiah bears a number. Be on the watch, for it is a human number...the number is 35" --Isaiah
"For the time is coming when he will strike like a Walt Frazier steal. The Philadelphia Dynasty will come. And the jock riders will wail "Oh mountains, fall on us! For we have no team to jock! We are not welcomed back on the Philadelphia bandwagon! Fall on us, for it is better than this torment we face in Chicago, where there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth. We didn't believe on the Spoon, and now we are paying the price! Oh how could we put faith in guys like the green headed monster and the 7'7" Frankenstein [Muresan] and the bad actor/bad rapper [Shaq]? And now we have no team to jock!"... let those who have eyes, let him read"--Isaiah.
So you fair weather fans, do us a favor and go jock Orlando and Chicago so the reign of the Spoon will come that much faster!
Judden
first Tiger, Clarence Weatherspoon fan club
Subject: Plan ahead: Million Spoonist march on
Washington
Date: 1996/04/11
Note: This posts has
added significance, as it is the debut of the name "Nation of Spoon" for the
Spoon's fan club.
Friends, Spoonists, countrymen--lend me your ears!
Start saving your money for next year's Million Spoonists march on Washington. You can see
Clarence and his supporting cast (Tim Duncan, Derrick Alston, Jerry Stackhouse, and Elliot
Hatcher -- sorry, Derrick Coleman will still be on the I.R.) finish up their undefeated
82-0 season by skunking the Washington Bullets in the season finale. I have read the
sacred basketball prophesies of Moses (Malone, from 1983) and the signs are all around us.
The Reign of Spoon is nearly upon us, when the Revelation of John (Lucas) prophesies :
"Behold I saw a new Sixers and a new Spectrum coming down out of the sky, for the old
ways are gone and behold, all has become new. The Spoon shall whipe away every tear of the
Sixer loyal. Their will be no more pain and no more losses, for the former things have
passed away."
New Spectrum? The Sixers are playing in a new arena next year! The time is coming...the
Reign of Spoon is nearly upon us. Spoon-blasphemers, here is your chance: Repent of your
wicked ways, wicked posts, and weak teams and join the Spoonists! Even SuperKincksFan will
have no excuse, as Spoon's quintriple-double season average will amount to at LEAST 50
power points per game!
Oh yeah, one more prophesy from Isaiah (Thomas): "Behold, many will come saying
"I am Spoon", but do not be deceived, for their is only one Clarence."
And as we all know, Rob has tried to equate Brick Nick Weatherspoon with the one
true Spoon....need I say more?
So call your travel agency and make plans soon, before it's too late and your left with
many who will be weeping and gnashing their teeth, because Spoon just destroyed their team
for a triple-triple.
Judden Farrakhan
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
Title: LUC hides from Spoon
Date: 1996/04/14
Note: Luc refers to Luc Longley. He had his own hype-man (Eric) and his own Spoon-wanna-be internet fan club.
Luc Longley hid from the embarassment of facing the wrath of Spoon. So, in the meantime, Spoon abused Scottie Pippen, putting the glove on Scottie and then dunking on him on the other end. Pippen was quoted in the Chicago Tribune as saying "Next time we play the Sixers, I'm gonna follow Luc's lead and get a 24 hour Migraine headache."
Despite the Spoon's dominance, Philly Coach John Lucas froze him out of the offense again, once again giving too many shots to the guards. Lucas was quoted as saying "4 more to Duncan...4 more to Duncan" [Note: 4 more losses until the season ended, and the Sixers' season would end. Since Lucas had so poorly used the Spoon, it was obvious that he was tanking (losing games on purpose) in order to try to increase his odds of landing Tim Duncan in the lotter, except that Duncan stayed in college that year].
In other news, the Washington Bullets celebrated the absence of Gheorghe Muresan by starting a winning streak. Who knows? With a legitimate center starting, maybe Washington can get that playoff berth.
--
Judden
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
"Spoonman, come together with your hands. Save me. I'm together with your plan. Save me." -- Soundgarden
Title: SPOON IS A BETTER PLAYER THAN
JORDON & EWING
Date: 1996/04/16
Note: this is a parody of a post by SuperKnicksFan. If you don't know who this is,
you will not understand this.
I will show that SuperBeing Clarence Weatherspoon is a better player than jordon and ewing by using Greatness Points. Greatness points are {(rebounds/game + minutes/game) * (1 + number of rsbp fan clubs dedicated to player)} ^ (number of letters in that players first and last name.
Clarence Weatherspoon, 1995-96
rebounds/game = 9.6
minutes/game = 39.6
number of rsbp fan clubs dedicated to player = 1
Number of letters in first and last name = 20
Greatness points = 7.24 E+39
Patrick Ewing
rebounds/game = 10.5
minutes/game = 36.5
number of rsbp fan clubs dedicated to player = 0
Number of letters in first and last name = 12
Greatness points = 1.16 E+20
jordon
rebounds/game = 6.7
minutes/game = 38.0
number of rsbp fan clubs dedicated to player = 0
Number of letters in first and last name = 13
Greatness points = 2.84 E+21
Clarence Weatherspoon has more Greatness points than jordon and ewing!!! So Spoon is a better defender and team player than jordon and ewing. Spoon has dominated for his entire career, unlike the ballogeddly, foolish and weak jordon and similarly weak, and unable to hit clutch fingerolls ewing. Spoon has over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 greatness points than jordon and over 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 greatness points over ewing. Clarence Weatherspoon. Simply awesome. Simply a better player than jordon AND ewing put together!
This is a growing list of players who Spoon is better than!!!
PLAYER'S NAME # OF GREATNESS POINTS
Clarence Weatherspoon = 7.24 E+39
Wilton Chamberlain (1962) = 6.26 E+31
Gheorghe Muresan = 2.48 E+28
Michael Jordon = 2.84 E+21
Michael "juiceman" Cage = 1.24 E+21
Patrick Ewing = 1.16 E+20
Luc Longley = 1.10 E+18
Thomas Hamilton = 1.37 E+17
Judden (SuperSixerFan)
Go Super Spoon
Go Super Sixer Power
Go Super Stackhouse rookie of the year power
Go Super Coleman injury power
Go Mad Max sub .400 power
Go Richard Dumas bench power
Go Ed Pinckney wish you had power
Go Trevor Ruffin CBA next-year power
Go Derrick Alston ain't life grand power?
Go Rex Walters guard the water bucket power
Go Tony Massenburg who are you power
Go Shawn Bradley wish you were back power
Go John Lucas eat heroin when you trade players power
Go LaSalle Thompson social security power
Go Greg Sutton aren't you glad the roster is 12 power
Go Harold Katz....no, take that back.
"Spoon -- he's on fire!" -- NBA Jam
"Maxwell -- ugly brick" -- NBA Jam
"Gettin' old sucks" -- some old guy
Judden
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
"Spoonman, come together with your hands. Save me. I'm together with your plan. Save me." -- Soundgarden
Title: MAR: "I was taken out of
context"
Date: 1996/04/18
Note: This takes place right after the controversy in which Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf [MAR] was suspended for not standing during the pledge of allegience. He said that he did not respect the flag of a nation that practices inequality based on race.
Did anyone see the latest interview with Mar? Here's what he said:
"I want to let everyone know I'm not anti-American and I hold no ill will towards the United States of America. I hold no contempt toward the "Star Spangled Banner" and I want you know that ESPN took me out of context.
What I said is that America is oppressive in that
it requires its president to be at least 35 years old. That rule prevents Clarence
Weatherspoon from being elected, which is the will of the people. The willof the people
should come before the constitution, because this is a nation "of the people, by the
people, and for the people."
Furthermore, my only problem with the national anthem is that it is too difficult of a
song to sing, and I writhe when I hear people butcher it because their vocal range is too
limited. Also, the song doesn't really capture ALL of what this great country and freedom
is all about. I would prefer that they start off each game by singing "Spoonman"
by Soundgarden.
I am really struggling with Clarence Weatherspoon not being able to run for president, so
I am considering renouncing my American citizenship and joining the Nation of Spoon, as so
many millions have already done. Perhaps, then, and only then, sadly enough, our leaders
will realize that the people should be allowed to elect the leader of their choice,
especially when he has the obvious credentials to lead this country as the Spoon does.
Finally, what I do now, is not pray, but rather, I close my eyes, shield my face and focus
on the Spoon. It gives me peace, serenity, and strength for the task at hand. Also, I plug
my ears, and sing "Spoonman" to myself."
Well spoken, Mahmoud! I couldn't have said it
better myself! Shame on you yellow journalists at ESPN!
(P.S. If MAR joins the Nation, I wonder what his office will be: Local Zealot? Martyr?
Hmmmm...)
--
Judden
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
"Spoonman, come together with your hands. Save me. I'm together with your plan. Save me." -- Soundgarden
Title: The only awards that matter
Date: 1996/05/04
MOST VALUABLE PLAYER: Clarence Weatherspoon (without him, the Sixers would be 0-82)
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER: Clarence Weatherspoon (I couldn't believe he could win it 3 yrs straight!)
DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Clarence Weatherspoon (guards 5 guys by himself)
COACH OF THE YEAR: Clarence Weatherspoon (when the Sixers win, it's because Lucas listens to Spoon. When they lose, it's because Luc didn't).
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Jerry Stackhouse (disciple to Clarence Weatherspoon)
6TH MAN OF THE YEAR: Clarence Weatherspoon (idiot Lucas benched him one game).
EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR: Clarence Weatherspoon (he bought out Comstock and then shrewdly bought the Sixers, in order to get rid of Lucas)
NOBLE PEACE PRIZE: Clarence Weatherspoon (for negotiating the Bosnian Cease-fire)
NOBLE SCIENCE PRIZE: Clarence Weatherspoon (for his work on particle acceleration quantum flux while accounting for the emmision spectrum due to magnetic spin)
PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL FOR FREEDOM: Clarence Weatherspoon (for giving the nation a super hero to rally around)
MOST POWERFUL PLAYER: Clarence Weatherspoon
MOST HANDSOME PLAYER: Clarence Weatherspoon
--
Judden
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
"Spoonman, come together with your hands. Save me. I'm together with your plan. Save me." -- Soundgarden
Title: Spoon's popularity grows
Date: 1996/07/01
Do not be fooled by cheap imitations (Longley, Muresan, Cuonzon, etc). There is only one MAN to jock....SPOON!
In the last 3 months, the number of internet fan clubs dedicated to the powerful and handsome Clarence has tripled. There was the original Clarence Weatherspoon fan club, founded by the powerful "Glide." Then, there was the "Nation of Spoon" formed by the handsome "Air Judden," and now there is the extremist "Branch Spoonians" formed by Martin, a boarderline lunatic/blashphemer, whose love for the Spoon sometimes makes him delusional.
So chose your fan club, but remember, if you ain't jockin the Spoon, you are jockin' a chump!
Judden
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon
Title: The last temptation of Spoon
Date: 1996/10/03
As official Griot for the Nation of Spoon, it is my duty to tell this latest story.
After the 1996 season ended, Spoon went out to the Arizona desert, where he fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. And behold, Derrick Coleman came upon him and said, "If you are Spoon, turn these stones into bread."
Spoon replied, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by highlights of the Spoon. Besides, DC, why bread? Your fat self would want a pizza!"
Then, DC took him to the Corestates Spectrum and
stood on one baseline with Clarence and said, "If you are the Spoon, dunk on the
other basket from here, for the prophet Isiah [Thomas] said, ‘The basketball messiah
will jam the length of the court, lest he strike his foot on a defenders head while in
midair.’"
Spoon replied, "Thou shall not put the Spoon, thy forward, to the test!"
Then DC took him around the nation and showed him
the countless multitudes of Bulls cockroaches and said, "All of these I will give to
thee..."
Spoon interrupted, "First of all, I don't want jockriding Bulls' cockroaches, and
second, they are not yours to give. They don't even like you. Almost nobody does,
Derrick."
So DC took him to his 2 fans, Chrisolio and Philly the Kid and said, "These I will
give to you, if you merely jock me."
Spoon said, "Begone DC you farce! For it is written, "Thou shalt jock only the
Spoon, thy franchise!"
And DC departed, awaiting for another time in which he might tempt Clarence. And Judden and Glide then attended to the Spoon, bringing him a royal feast and showering him with his due adulation.
Judden the Griot.
First Tiger, Nation of Spoon.
