THE Trade

On June 13, 1997, the Sixers pulled what could have been the stupidist trade in NBA history.  They traded the mighty Spoon to division rival Boston Celtics for washed-up oft-injured Dino Rajda.  Rajda failed his physical and the trade was nullified.  Before the trade was nullified, I wrote this 6-part story on the Usenet group   (or r.s.b.p.) about the trade.  ]


The cast of characters:

The Spoon - The Basketball Messiah, the Son of Naismith.
Pontious Croce - Pat Croce, the President of the Sixers
Larry the Pharisee - Larry Brown, head coach of the Sixers
Herod Stern - David Stern, the commissioner of the NBA.
Bob "The Glide" Davis - Founder of the Clarence Weatherspoon Fan Club
gus IsPERRYot - A Usenet Rival of mine, who claimed to be a Sixer fan, but never said a good word about them.  He wrote many posts bashing Allen Iverson and claiming the Sixers should have drafted Stephon Marbury, instead (D'OH!)
McHale - President of the Minnesota Timberwolves, Marbury's team (and who I claim was Greg's team).
Ed Lor-yer - A belligerant usenet poster, notorious for saving rival's posts, and later printing excerpts from them (even if out of context).  His favorite phrase was "LIE!"
40 Ounce, Flapjacker, T-Bone, CHRISO, PtK - Other Sixer fans.

Barabbas Coleman - Derrick Coleman.
The Woofing gods - Part of Usenet lore.  "Woofing" is excessive, obnoxious cheering -- declarations of victories not yet won.  The Woofing gods bring defeat to teams whose fans woof too much.
The First Tiger, Whom Spoon Loved - Yours Truly (my office in the Nation of Spoon is First Tiger, based on Calvin and Hobbes)

Subject:  THE trade, part 1
Date: 1997/06/22

Thursday, June 19, 1997: The Last Supper

It was just before the draft and Spoon knew that the time had come for him to leave the Sixers and go to win his titles.  The evening meal was being served (Bulls), and McHale had already prompted Gregus IsPERRYot to betray Spoon.

Spoon was troubled in spirit and testified to the 12, "Verily, I say unto thee, one of you is going to betray me." His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know what he meant. One of them, the First Tiger, whom Spoon loved, was reclining next to him. Bob, the Glide, asked him, "Spoon, who is it? CHRISO? PtK? 40 Ounce? T-Bone? Flapjacker?"

Spoon answered, "It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish." Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Greggus IsPERRYiot. As soon as Greggus took the bread, McHale entered into him.

"What you are about to do, do quickly." Spoon told him.

When Greggus had left, Spoon said, "Now is the Spoon glorified. My children, I will be with you only a little while longer. You will look for me but where I am going, you cannot come."

Bob, the Glide, asked him, "Spoon, where are you going?"

Spoon said, "I am going to see Larry the Pharisee and Ponteous Croce. And the Son of Naismith will be delivered to the Celtics, but on the 3rd day, he will lead them to the title."

Bob, the Glide said, "Spoon, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death."

Spoon answered, "I tell you, Glide, before Ed Lor-yer says "LIE!" today, you will deny three times that you know me."


First Tiger, Nation of Spoon


Subject:  THE trade, Part 2 (Perry's betrayal)
Date: 1997/06/22

Afternoon, Thursday, June 19, 1997 ... earlier in the day.

Before the Last Supper, Gregus IsPERRYot, one of the 12, who never was a Sixer fan, or a Spoonist, but really a Timberwolf fan, went to Larry the Pharisee and Ponteous Croce.

"Gentleman, I know the problems of the Sixers and how to solve them!" Said Greggus.

"Tell us, oh Greggus," replied Larry the Pharisee, "What qualifies you?"

Greggus said, "Well, I saw one Sixer game this year! And back in 1983, I watched 2 Sixer games and had a Moses Malone Poster on my wall -- in a Rockets uniform, but details, details. And I have a goofy pair of glasses just like yours Ponteous Croce! And I even have the set of your workout tapes!"

"Yes! Yes! This guy is qualified!" responded Croce gleefully, "I should hire you as a scout instead of hiring idiots like Mo Cheeks! It's obvious you know so much more about point guards than he! What is our problem?"

"Iverson! He's a cancer! He's awful! Trade him and Spoon for Stephon Marburry!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" said Pharisee Larry, "Stepped-ON? That bricklayer who hogged the ball in the playoffs and then missed 2 out of 3 open layups in the crunch? Funny one! You're quite the comedian. Especially after the way Iverson schooled him this year! Get to the point, son, what do we really need to do?"

Then, the demonic Spirit of McHale took over Greggus, whose personal hatred of Iverson was interferring in his evil mission, and Greggus (McHale) said, "Get rid of SPOOOOOOOOOOOON! He's a hindrance to [Derrick] Coleman. Coleman cannot properly be the leader of your team when so many admire the Spoon.   How can your players respect you when they love the Spoon? Get rid of the thorn in your flesh! Coleman will lead the team and show you, Larry the Pharisee, the proper respect you deserve!"

Then Ponteous Croce, still overcome with glee from Greg's jocking of his ugly glasses, said, "Yes yes! Get rid of Spoon! Coleman's the man! It will be done! Here son, let me give you an advance on your salary."

And he handed Greggus 30 pieces of silver. 

Thursday, June 19, 1997 .... late night (after the last supper)

That night, Spoon was out with disciples (minus Greggus) on a basketball court, instructing them in the deeper teaching of hoops and the philsophies of life.

While he was speaking, a crowd came up, and the man who was called Greggus, one of the 12, was leading them. He approached Spoon to kiss him, but Spoon asked him, "Greggus, are you betraying the Son of Naismith with a kiss?"

Greggus said "Yes"

Spoon said, "You know what part of me you can kiss ... you like to spew the word so much in public."

When the disciples saw what was going to happen, 40 ounce pulled out a 357 magnum to shoot the slimey Greggus, but Spoon said, "no more of this!" and caught the bullets in mid-air and threw them on the ground.

Then Spoon turned to the Sixer front-office people and said, "Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? Every day I was with you in the Spectrum, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour -- when ignorance reigns."

(continued in part 3)

First Tiger, Nation of Spoon


Subject:  THE trade: part 3 (the denial of Glide)
Date: 1997/06/22

Friday Afternoon, June 20, 1997

After Spoon had been led away to the office of Larry the Pharisee, Bob the Glide, followed the proceedings in Usenet.

A newbie read his post and said, "Aren't you Bob "the Glide" Davis, a Spoonist?"

The Glide responded, "No, I do not know the Spoon. I don't even read r.s.b.p! I don't even like basketball! Besides, I like Reggie Miller!"

To this, a Bulls cockroach responded, "Yes, you are him. I recognize your witty reparte. You are Bob "the Glide" Davis...and he's a Spoonist!"

The glide, annoyed scremed back, "NO!!! I AM NOT BOBBY DAVIS! I'M A CREEP, A NEGATIVE CREEP! [Note: this was his .sig file -- based on a Kurt Cobain phrase] I told you, I do not who this "Spoon" fellow is your talking about."

To this, Pinhead [a Usenet regular] said, "I recognize your .sig. You ARE Bob "The Glide" Davis.  You can fool a no-brained cockroach or a newbie, but you can't fool ol' Pinhead. You are the ORIGINAL Spoonist. The founder and president of the original Clarence Weatherspoon Fan Club"

To this, Glide responded with, "Pinhead you fool! I can see you are trolling! I told you I am not Bob "The Glide" Davis and I have never been associated with this "Spoon" guy, because I don't know him and you can't prove it!"

And to this, Ed Lor-yer said, "LIE!!! I have your post from December 10, 1992

Bob "The Glide" Davis Verticle measured at
President, Clarence Weatherspoon Fan Club 0.3 centi-Jordans

I have exposed your lies! You cannot hide behind your lies!

Ed Lor
Lucent Technogies"

Then, Glide Remembered the words of the Spoon, "Before Ed Lor-yer says "Lie!" You will have denied knowing me 3 times." And he logged off and wept bitterly.

(Continued in Part 4)

First Tiger, Nation of Spoon


Subject:  THE trade, part 4 (Spoon before Larry)
Date: 1997/06/22

Those who had taken Spoon assembled in the office of Larry the Pharisee. They were looking for an excuse to trade him, but couldn't find any. Then, one came forward and said, "This man said, 'I can rebuild the credibility of this watered-down league in 3 days.'"  So Larry said, "did you say this?"

Spoon remained silent.

Then Larry stood up and said, "Are you not going to answer the charges that these men have brought up against you? I charge you under oath ... tell us if you are the instrument of justice for the woofing gods, the Basketball Messiah?"

Spoon said, "Yes, it is as you say. In the future you sill see Son of Naismith sitting at the right hand of Red [Auerbach], smoking a stogie, and counting my rings."

With this, Larry the Pharisee tore his Armani and said, "We need no more witnesses! this man has spoken blasphemy! He deserves to be traded!"

However, Larry didn't want to go down in history as the bonehead who traded Spoon, to go alongside his other sureshot acquisitions, like Randy Woods, Dwayne Schintzius, Keith Harris, and Mike Massucci, so he said, "Let us go to Stern and see if he will boggusly void out Spoon's contract after we signed MacLean, like he did with Juwan Howard! [Miami Heat, summer of 1996]"

So they sent the Spoon to Herod Stern ....

(continued in part 5)

First Tiger, Nation of Spoon


Subject:  THE trade: part 5 (Spoon before Stern)
Date: 1997/06/22

Friday Afternoon, June 20, 1997 ... Commisioner Herod Stern's office.

Spoon was sent to the office of Commisoner Herod Stern, the ruler over the league. Stern was pleased to meet the Spoon because he had heard so much about him and was hoping that Spoon would perform a miracle, like the half-court dunk.

When Spoon was brought before him, he sent a barrage of questions, while Larry the Pharisee made false accusations about him. However, Spoon remained silent. Then Stern and his yes men ridiculed Spoon, put him in a Celtic jersey and sent him back to Ponteous Croce.

(continued in part 6)

First Tiger, Nation of Spoon


Subject:  THE trade, Part 6 (Spoon before Ponteous Croce)
Date: 1997/06/22

Friday, June 20, 1997

Spoon was then brought before Ponteous Croce (who since, had calmed down from Greggus' brown-nosing)

So Croce asked him, "Are you the franchise?"

Spoon replied, "Is that your own idea, or did others talk to you about me?"

Croce responded, "Am I a Sixer? errrrrr... ooops, guess I am. It was your own coach and GM who brought you to me. I hear you're a famous world leader.  Why can't you get Coleman in line? And what about Stackhouse?"

Spoon answered, "My Nation is not of this city. If it were, my servents would fight to prevent my trade. My kingdom is from another place." 

Croce said, "You are a king and a franchise, then!"

Spoon answered, "You are right in saying that I am a king and franchise. For this reason I came to this win titles and speak the truth."

Croce said, "What is truth?" And with that, he went back to Larry (who had assembled many anti-Spoonist fools from Philadelphia into the Spectrum) and said, "I find no charge to trade him."

Then the crowd started yelling "Trade him! Trade him!"

Then, he brought out the Spoon before the crowd on the Spectrum floor and when they saw him in the Celtic jersey, they started chanting louder, "Trade him! Trade him!"

Croce said, "He's your king"

The crowd yelled back, "We have no king but jordon! If you don't trade him, you're not friend of [Michael] jordon's". At this, Croce became afraid, because Stern appointed him president of the Sixers under the condition that he makes sure they are no challenge to jordon. So Croce had Spoon led away and the Philadelphia press blindfolded him and started shooting baskets, and mocking him, saying, "If you are the Basketball Messiah, which one of us shot that brick?"

Croce then brought out Barabbas Coleman & Spoon & said, "it is our tradition dating back to Wilt, Moses, Daugherty and Barkley to pull a boneheaded trade. Who shall we trade: Barabbas Coleman, a proven cancer who can't get along with coaches and shoots in the low 40%, or Spoon, the Sixer Franchise."

"Trade Spoon! Trade Spoon! Trade Spoon! We have no franchise but Doctor! Trade Spoon!"

Then Croce went over to a urinal (thinking it was the sink...I told you the guy is an idiot) and stuck his hands in it saying, "This trade is on your heads, I wash my hands of this trade .... [looks down] ... D'OH!!!"

Then, as he was escorted to the media room, Coleman said, "If you are the franchise and the basketball Messiah, then reverse this trade! Heh heh!"

But Allan Iverson said, "Do you not fear the woofing gods? You've earned your place on the trading block rumors, but this man has done nothing to deserve it." then he looked at Spoon, and said, "remember me when you go to Boston."

Spoon answered him, saying, "Verily I tell you, in 2 years you will be with me on the dynasty."

Meanwhile, the Sixer ushers tore his warm-up into 4 parts, but they shot craps for his jersey.

This is the First Tiger, who testifies to these things and who wrote them down.  We know that his testimony is true.

First Tiger, Nation of Spoon

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