Misc. ExposÚs

 

New Possible jordon ads for Nike

Added January 5, 1999

Nike has been running photo ads of jordon in action, except jordon has been replaced with a with a white silhouette.  This probably means that the league doesn't exist because jordon isn't playing, and not because of the lockout (typical brainless jordon jocking).  No doubt jordon's shadow probably plays better defense than jordon, however, that isn't the point.  Here are 2 ads that I have made that follow the same ads that more closely resemble the truth, jordon is foolish and jordon isn't playing:

nikead1.jpg (14362 bytes)     nikead2..jpg (13202 bytes)

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jordon in the blackmarket organ business?

By Bob "The Glide" Davis

Yesterday, I went to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles here in Cincy to renew my driver's license. As I entered the waiting area, I was greeted by a huge poster of jordon demanding that we all sign up as organ donors!

This has gone too far. It's bad enough that he wants to hog the ball, but now he wants to hog the hearts and livers and eyes of the population of Ohio. (Probably pancreases, too.) It's bad enough that he screams at his teammates for the ball, now he is screaming at us for our own body parts.

I'm shocked and angered at this outrageous demand made by jordon.  I believe I have no choice but to risk the wrath of David Stern and Ahmad Rashad by stepping up to publicly condemn such behavior, which can only be described as "orgon-hoggedly." I posted this in the hope that if I disappear and any of you see my liver somewhere, you'll realize what happened and contact the proper authorities.

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What would you say if you met jordon?

By Bob "The Glide" Davis

        This question is directed at EjF's, because jordon jockers would either say "We're not worthy! We're scum!  We suck!" or else they would be too busy kissing jordon's posterior.  Last year, this question was posed on usenet (see Links) because one of the members of the group was actually going to get to meet the foolish ballhog.  The powerful Glide responded with these question to ask Foolish jordon:

(1) Ask him why he makes Steve Kerr take all of the important shots.

(2) Ask him if he can get a Craig Hodges autograph for you.

(3) Say "I've been wearing that underwear you sell, and it really chafes me right here." Point to your naughty bits. Ask him if he has the same problem.

(4) Ask him if his wife ever screams "REGGIE!" [Miller] while in the throes of passion.

(5) Ask him if he ever screams "REGGIE!" while in the throes of passion.

(6) Yell "POP QUIZ - What is the capital of Albania?" at the top of your lungs. As they're dragging you out, attempt to explain that you're a member of the American Geography Association's accreditation board.

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jordon costs U.S. Ryder Cup!

Added July 21, 1998

Remember the supposedly "invincible" Ryder Cup team the U.S. fielded in 1997?  How was it that they choked to a team that consisted of a bunch of nobodies?  Very simple. During the pivotal Saturday, when the U.S. fell hopelessly behind (losing 4-1/2 out of 5 points), the answer sat in the golf cart of
U.S. captain Tom Kite. Who gave the Kite tips on how to win and succeed? jordon. The result? Cough! Cough! See, Kite forgot to consider a few things when taking jordon's advice:

#1) Taking more shots is exactly what you DON'T want to do in golf.

#2) Just because jordon was on the U.S. team, there were no officials to wave off Tiger's missed putts and give him a 2nd chance, citing a "foul."

#3) Davis Love III was not allowed to throw his clubs at Per-Ulrik Johannson while Johannson was teeing off.

The U.S. team had no prayer, as the team was following the instructions of jordon, passed down through Kite and they didn't have jordon-jocking officials to make up the difference.

jordon's losing influence goes way beyond the basketball court, costing the U.S. Ryder Cup team an easy victory and brought shame and disgrace to American golf.

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jordon's pen is not mightier than his foolishness!

Added December 7, 1998

Here is an excerpt from Foolish jordon's new book, The Love of the Game, (it should be called I hate the game, but make a lot of money from it) notice how full of himself he is and how he admits that he is a ballhog (jordon jockers -- try not to sprain your wrists as you read this!):

"Everything leading up to the shot against Utah in Game 6 of the 1998 Finals was vivid. It was like I was watching everything unfold in slow motion on television. I stole the ball, looked up at the clock, and then down the court. I could see every player and I remember exactly where they were as I came up the floor. Steve Kerr was in the corner. John Stockton faked at me and was going to come to me. I was up top. Dennis Rodman was curling underneath the post on the left. Scottie Pippen was on the bottom of the post on the right.

I could hear sounds, but it was like white noise. In that moment I couldn't distinguish one sound from another, but I was able to evaluate every opportunity on the court.

I was going to the right because I knew I could get a shot off. Any time I needed to make a shot I went to my right as long as the defense didn't make a mistake and open a lane on my left. When you go to your right the defensive player has to come across your body to get to the ball. In Game 1 of the 1997 NBA Finals against Utah, I went left when I hit the game-winning shot because Bryon Russell lunged to his left, causing him to be off-balance. In 1998 I set myself up to go right again, starting on the left side of the floor. The one thing I didn't want to do was cross over because that would bring the ball back into play. All this I knew, but as the shot unfolded, I went through those options instinctively.

It unfolded slowly enough for me to evaluate every single thing that was happening. I was able to evaluate the mistake Russell made again and capitalize differently. When he lunged this time I knew exactly what to do. I was going toward Kerr. Stockton wasn't about to leave Steve open as he had when Steve hit the winning shot in Game 6 of the 1997 Finals. So Stockton faked toward me and went back to Kerr.

I had no intention of passing the ball under any circumstances. I figured I stole the ball and it was my opportunity to win or lose the game. I would have taken that shot with five people on me.

Ironically, I have problems going to my right for a stop, pull-up jumper because I have a tendency to come up short. I normally fade a little, but on this shot I didn't want to fade because all my jump shots had been short.

Think about that: I had enough time to think about those issues. It's incredible even to me. And yet that's how it happened. I went straight up and I came straight down. I consciously extended my hand up and out toward the target because I had been coming up short. It looked like I was posing, but it was a fundamentally sound shot. It's truly amazing that I can break down a game into all those parts in that amount of time and then execute the play."

*    *     *    *    *    *     *

Here is a rather appropriate parody of jordon from the powerful farkingidiot

Score was tied. Shot clock ticking. I knew I only had 2.3 seconds to get off the shot, but I also knew it was a time for reflection. Why not? I'm a superstar.

Plenty of time.

As I brought the ball up, I looked at my shooting hand and noticed my fingernails hadn't been clipped that week. Note to self: practice better personal hygiene. Hey, where'd that hangnail come from. Oops! I'm in the middle of a game.  That's okay. I'm a superstar. I have the faculties for remembering the most tiny of minutiae during the most stressful of moments.

I brought my supporting hand up to the ball just as it reached the top of my shooting arc. 1.7 seconds left. My opponent raised his hands in a ridiculous attempt at stopping my pre-ordained game winning basket. What a silly fool. Laughing at his futile gesture, I took a moment to see how many of those little pebbly bumps I could count on the soon to be shot basketball.   One....two...three...four... uh... four....uh....Yikes! I'd better release the ball and claim my god given victory. The ball left my hand with the sweet, subtle arc of a well place tee shot for $1,500 a hole. For a micro second, I wondered if I could possibly miss. Oh, yeah, can't miss. I'm a superstar. Actually, I miss quite a bit, but I figure if I jack up a ridiculous amount of shots, I have to hit some of them. Money in the bank. Hehehe.

As the ball floated towards the basket, I took a moment to reflect upon the teachings of Kierkegaard. If a man scores a basket that is preordained within the scope of his super stardom, will he....uh...I think I'm confusing myself. Man, I've got a pretty shot.

Swish

Game over. I had beaten Grandpa once again. Challenge me in backyard basketball will he? Ha!

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AP story: jordon rushed to emergency room

By powerful EjF Tim Lynch

jordon is apparently more than just full of himself

Phil McCrevis, AP Sports Writer

Salt Lake City (AP) - Not you're typical storybook ending.  Just hours after hitting the game winning jumper to give the Chicago Bulls their sixth NBA title in eight years Michael jordon suddenly collapsed and laid on the ground writhing in pain.

This occurred just after jordon had complained of abdominal cramps which the Bulls trainer initially chalked up to a combination of too much champagne and the exhaustion of 8 months of basketball. A doctor at the scene immediately examined jordon and observed extreme lower abdominal distention and highly erratic bowel sounds.

Rushed into an ambulance already on station at the Delta Center, jordon was taken to the Salt Lake Medical Center just a few blocks away. Fading in and out of consciousness during the trip he muttered how much he wanted to visit "the Luge with Luc" again.

Upon arrival at the hospital jordon was whisked into a trauma room as emergency physicians quickly tried to determine the source of his acute symptoms. A myriad of blood and urine tests were ordered while doctors began palpating the star's abdomen. The physicians were taken aback by the unusual protrusions in jordon's abdomen that almost seemed to come and go and move from one side to the other. Through stethoscopes they heard what sounded like muffled voices, a bizarre phenomena no one in the department had ever witnessed. Dr.Theresa Bigelow, a resident still shaken by the incident, describing the situation stated, "It was truly disturbing to be quite honest. It was hard for us to keep our composure."

In response, an internist and a proctology specialist were paged to the ER. jordon was completely unconscious by this point as the specialist hurriedly began his examination. Upon first peering into the proctoscope,a device used to examine the colon and large intestine, the proctologist shrieked in horror as he discovered nothing but an eye looking right back at him. Scaling back the zoom of the lens he was astounded to realize the eye belonged to none other than NBC basketball interviewer Ahmad Rashad. He appeared to be struggling not to be pushed out of Mr. jordon's colon. Knowing the situation was deathly serious the internist immediately administered a fast acting laxative to help pass the obstruction.

Moments later Mr. Rashad emerged from jordon's posterior looking both saddened and embarrassed. Questioned why he was inexplicably lodged in jordon's digestive tract a defensive Rashad angrily retorted, "Hey, I'm hardly the only one."  As if on cue suddenly a second individual gasping for air was expelled from jordon. After some necessitated cleansing the man was easily recognizable as former Detroit Pistons star and current NBC basketball announcer Isiah Thomas. Upon eyeing Rashad, Thomas launched an expletive laden tirade at the first to emerge concluding with, "We'd not have been caught if you hadn't butted in." An unaffected Rashad continued to pick various particles from his teeth.

The vital signs of the Bulls legend were improving but he wasn't out of the woods yet. The amount of distention had gone down but a significant portion remained. Finally what appeared to be the last obstruction emerged and fell to the floor. The body appeared lifeless and though it was in sorry condition not a hair on its head was out of place. Thomas confirmed the obvious by saying, "Yeah, it's Bob." Despite extraordinary efforts to revive Mr. Costas, NBC's NBA play by play announcer, he was pronounced dead of asphyxiation at 12:37 AM MDT. No word on funeral plans as of yet. 

A thoroughly relieved jordon regained consciousness. When pressed for comments on these incredible events he explained he had imbibed quite a lot of alcohol so initially the pain of three grown men taking up residence in his posterior was not noticeable. "I usually only let them in one at a time but I was so drunk I don't remember what happened," he explained. Thomas concurred stating that initially it was only going to be Costas and himself. "Ahmad's always ruining a good thing", Thomas complained. Rashad fired back stating, "I've got as much right to be there as anybody. I've paid my dues. Bob's erotic love sonnet to Michael after the game got me so worked up I had to do it. Besides if I hadn't kicked David Stern out Mike would surely be dead."

In the wake of the embarrassing incident NBC Sports president Dick Ebersol was in the waiting room practicing damage control. "I'm aghast at this. Though Bob will be missed he certainly wasn't cutting it behind the mike, no pun intended. Isiah and Ahmad are getting their walking papers. In addition my sources tell me that Bill Walton also attempted to...you know...but he was too big to fit so he has been let go."

When pressed about NBC's plans to fill the void at courtside Ebersol replied, "Our company needs a serious infusion of class so we're bringing Marv back. I mean let's face it...he's a freakin' choir boy compared to these guys. Besides, he's the only decent announcer available." And thus closes the book on Michael jordon's career. 

If you would like additional information on proctology to prevent sycophants from inhabiting your colon try the following sites. It's not a laughing matter. http://www.elogica.com.br/users/cpedrosa/  http://perso.club-internet.fr/roljfcop/proctology.html   

Copyright @ 1998 The Absolutely Putrid. All rights renounced. The information contained in the AP News report may be published, broadcast, rewritten, redistributed, dropped in leaflet form on Scandinavia, used as papermache, amended to the Constitution, read as wedding vows, used to incite riots, insurrections and coups, sung to herd goats, tattooed on your nether regions, engraved on your grandmother's forehead, drawn by skywriters,said in lieu of prayer, used as a basis of government, or translated into Sanskrit with the encouragement of The Absolutely Putrid.

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jordon admits: he's an agent of the devil!

Added January 20, 1999

On NBA.com, there is an old interview from jordon's first training camp. Hoops magazine has a story about jordon from his first training camp.  In it, there is a section where jordon is asked about wearing UNC shorts under his Bulls' uniform.  jordon says, "You have to have some blue on somewhere. All this red stuff is the devil's colors."

jordon. Simply Beelzebuboggedy

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Other sports jordon sucks at
Date: 1996/09/17

        Everyone knows jordon was cut from his high school basketball team because his coach had no tolerance for ball hogs who were more interested in individual glory than team success (I believe his quote was, "jordon, go run track!"). However, there were many other sports jordon has failed at as well.

1) Football -- Did you know jordon was cut from his high school football team as well?  Since he was the best athlete on the field, the coach put him at quarterback.  Problem was, jordon the ballhog refused to pass the ball.  He also refused to hand it off. After 10 consecutive quarterback draws and bootlegs, the defense stopped being fooled.  jordon screamed at his teammates for not blocking better.  The coach then cut Foolish jordon from the team.

2) Soccer -- foolish jordon kept grabbing the ball in midair and running with it, being the ballhog that he was, and was cut at a young age.

3) Slowpitch softball -- the coach put jordon in rightfield, since he has a ragarm.  jordon got mad because he wanted to pitch, since he is a ballhog.  There was much tension on the team.  Also, jordon kept striking out, and after his 10th straight wiff, he refused to buy his teammates the obligatory "case" and said his "supporting cast" was the reason the team wasn't doing better.  Finally, the coach kicked jordon off of the team, when the lone ball of the year was hit to right field and jordon refused to throw the ball into the infield.  Being the ballhog that he is, he grabbed the ball and ran after the base runner trying to catch him.

4) Hot Potato -- when jordon was in grade school, none of his classmates would play this with him. His ballhoggedyness resulted in 1 pass games, because jordon refused to pass it back.

5) 4 X 400M relay. jordon was the lead runner, but his team was disqualified when he refused to pass the baton.

6) Frisbee Football -- he was cut from this also for too many "travelling" calls.

7) Catch -- nobody would play with young jordon at recess because he never could understand how to play this game.

8) Dodge Ball -- jordon was pretty good at some aspects of this game, because he was excellent at catching the ball when it was thrown at him.  Problem was, he collected all the balls and refused to throw them back.

9) jordon was fired from the Harlem Globetrotters because fans booed him during the "magic circle" routine.  The others would spin the ball on their fingers, work their magic, and then pass it to jordon who would grab the ball and shoot from halfcourt...and miss. He was initially demoted to the Washington Generals, but they fired him, too, because his ballhogging routine led to bigger blowouts by the Globetrotters.

10) Golf -- After teeing off, jordon would grab his bag and run down the fairway, hitting the balls of everyone else who was in his group, as well as his own.  That is why no one will golf with Foolish jordon.

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jordon finally finds a sport for his talents!
Date:  1997/10/22
 

Today's USA Today reports that jordon has become a spokesman for bowling!

At last!  A sport he doesn't have to pass in!  He can hog the ball, shoot as much as he wants (well, at least up to 21 times) and no one will call him a ballhog.

Of course, jordon's "shots" end up in the gutter, missing their target, just like his jump shots.   Foolish jordon gets mad and tries to grab more balls and roll them down the lane, but after his 2nd "brick" (gutter), the arm swings down and knocks the pins over, foiling the plans of Foolish jordon.

You would think he would be mad and quit, but remember who we are talking about here.  Yes Foolish jordon is a quitter, just like he proved at UNC, the NBA, and baseball, but accuracy has never mattered to jordon.  He doesn't care if he throws gutters or shoots bricks, as long as no one else is shooting.

However, jordon won't join a league.  He doesn't like playing on 4 people teams, since others get to shoot.  jordon plans on buying a bowling alley and forming a "team" all by himself, so he can throw 4 times as many balls.  Foolish jordon's lack of team-play even shows up here.  Since jordon will own the Bowling alley, he will give himself a 301 handicap for each of the 4 slots he takes up on the team (Team handicap of 1204).

Isn't it ironic that in baseball, jordon was the strikeout king, but in bowling, he can't strikeout, let alone throw a single strike...even though jordon is a turkey?

In an interesting side-story:

Nike is having difficulty designing stylish bowling shoes and monogrammed bowling shirts for Foolish jordon.

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Michael Jordan is awesome!!!

Added November 1, 1998

First of all, I'd like to appologize to all Michael Jordan fans whom I may have offended. I shouldn't have overreacted to a simple miscommunication.

In all truth, Michael Jordan is an awesome basketball player. He is simply one of the most amazing athletes to come around in quite some time. It is truly amazing that in this age of huge athletes that a man who is smaller than the average player can dominate the way he has.

It is also incredible that a guard can do so many things well: shoot, pass, rebound, shoot for distance, defend, and steal the ball.

The way he came back from being cut from his high school team is nearly a fairy-tale story and an inspiration to all. Especially when #23 led his high school team to state championship shortly after!

I am also inspired by his hard work ethic that he's managed to take to every level, and the way that he not only started his freshman year of college, but was the conference newcomer of the year! Even the way he had 27 points one night, 15 rebounds the next game, 9 assists the next game and 5 steals the next game, just went to show that he was no sophmore jinx and could destroy teams in many different ways with his complete game! Even more impressive is that he went to a quality college and proved himself up to the academic challenges while improving his basketball game. This no doubt sings praises of his exemplary work ethic both on and off the court.

My constant badgering of Jordan's fans was uncalled for, as I was clearly in the wrong and now admit the foolishness of my ways. I hope all this buries the hatchet with all or Jordan's jockers.

Most of all, here's hoping Michael Jordan leads Penn to the Final 4 this year.  With his 15.3 ppg, 131 assists, 45 steals, 4.4 rebounds per game and 44% 3 point shooting he posted, I'm sure he's doing everything in his power to accomplish this goal. Michael Hakim Jordan, the 6'0" point guard from Penn is awesome, unlike the foolish Michael Jeffrey jordon of the Chicago Bulls.  I had assumed all the fanatical jockers I have debated with were jocking the latter. I couldn't understand how they could jock such a mediocre 12th-man caliber talent who is lazy, a poor team player, and an overall cancer. I didn't know they were jocking the hard-working college player. I know it should have been obvious, but I don't follow college basketball that much.  You can bet I'll be following Jordan's heroics this year.  I may be late to jump on the bandwagon, but I will support MJ as enthusiastically as the die-hard, long-time fan, as he leads Penn through the Ivy league.


     

The Great Michael Jordan


Finally, I hope when Michael leaves Penn, that he can team up Scottie in Phoenix. Then, for the first time since 1989, Scottie can play with a Michael Jordan who is willing to pass the ball.

Michael Jordan. Simply worthy of this year's Naismith and Wooden awards.
Foolish jordon. Simply worthy of scorn and mockery.


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The jordon-Isiah conspiracy

Added February 5, 1999

jordon's foolishness has been exposed again.

Remember how jordon and Isiah Thomas supposedly hated each other so much?   Some thought it was because their games were so diametrically opposite: Isiah was about the team winning and jordon could care less about the team -- only that he got his.

Who would know that these 2 would be scratching each other's backs?

Didn't EVERYBODY find it odd that Isiah last year suddenly jumped on the jordon-jocking bandwagon at NBC? Why did this happen? What overcame Isiah? Did Khan Noonian-Sighn put a mind-controlling worm in Isiah's ear, like he did to Pavel Chekov? Nope.

This conspiracy dates back to 1991. Magic Johnson got sick of hearing about how great jordon was. Magic was OBVIOUSLY the better player. He had won the deserved MVP in 1989 and 90. jordon cried that he deserved it because he ballhogged more. In 1991, jordon cried enough that he got his undeserved MVP (2nd undeserved one in his career).

Magic could easily outscore jordon. Magic was a superior shooter, as was evidenced by his superior career fg%. However, Magic was about winning. jordon was about jordon. Magic decided to show everybody once and for all that he was jordon's master. He challenged jordon to a pay-per-view one-on-one challenge. He talked a lot of Stone Cold-like trash about he was going to open up a barell of whoop-*ss and pour it on jordon.

jordon became very afraid, because he knew he couldn't beat Magic. However, if he backed off, everyone would know that he was a foolish ballhog. So jordon called up Isiah, and the conversation went something like this:

jordon: Isiah, this is Foolish jordon.

Isiah: Give me one reason why I shouldn't hang up on you now, Foolish jordon.

jordon: Money.

Isiah: Keep talking.

jordon: As you may have heard, Stone Cold Magic Johnson has offered to play me me one-on-one on pay-per-view.

Isiah: Yeah, I can't wait to see him kick your *ss!

jordon: I need you to help me out. I need to save face.

Isiah: Why should I? Give me one reason.

jordon: money.

Isiah: keep talking.

jordon: You are the president of the player's union. You can stop this.  After all, the player's aren't getting paid.

Isiah: So, why do you care? You don't care if we get any money.

jordon: I don't want to get my *ss whooped by Magic. That will cost me more money in the long run.

Isiah: So what are you proposing?

jordon: You step in and stop this game. Then, when you retire, I'll give you a job in broadcasting.

Isiah: hmmmm. Not good enough. I want an NBA team, and then I want the broadcasting job as a safety net.

jordon: done. After you retire, I'll have David create a new team and let you be on the ownership, and run the team. [Note from Judden: wasn't it interesting that Isiah's ownership team was selected over Magic's? Hmmmmmm].

Isiah: Done.

jordon: Before we finish this call, I want to know why you froze me out of the offense in the 1988 all-star game?

Isiah: froze you out? You set a scoring record!

jordon: so! You froze me out! I didn't get the ball near as much as I do on the Bulls.

Isiah: It's an all-star game. It's supposed to be a team event.

jordon: Team Shmeam! When Michael jordon is on the court, Michael jordon gets all the shots. Don't let it happen again.


And there you have it. Isiah saved jordon's reputation, and jordon gave him a job. However, jordon being jordon, he screwed Isiah over, by restricting the salary cap room the Raptors had, as well as the draft restrictions.  Then, he gave him a broadcasting job -- but only as one of his jockers.

jordon. Simply a backstabber.

Judden Stone

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Michael Jordan retires

Added November 1, 1998

Headline story in October 29 USA Today in section B (Money):

New York -- CBS chief Michael Jordan surprised colleagues Wednesday by announcing that he will retire at the end of the year and turn the television and radio powerhouse over to Chief Operating Officer Mel Karmazin.

Heh. The chump can't even make the sports page.

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Is jordon the Anti-Christ?

EjF Mike Naimark has revealed powerful prophesies that link global warming, Ebola, and many other plagues and pestilence to the rise of Foolish jordon. My own sister added credibility to this argument by noting that jordon won his 6th title in game 6 of the 6th month.  He also won titles in game 6 during each of the last 3 years - 666 no matter how you slice it!  Read Mike's powerful prose that exposes the apocalyptic foolishness of jordon:

The jordon Prophesies - by Mike Naimark

jordon jockers in the hands of an angry God - by Rev. Mike Naimark

The jordon Prophesies proven right - by Rev. Mike Naimark

 

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If jordon played in the World Cup:

July 15, 1998

By Flapjacker

 1) Increased goal size: much like moving the three point line in, an increased goal size would increase the poor shooting percentageof jordon.

2) No offside rule: after years of declining play due to the fact that children all over the world want to "be like Mike," FIFA eliminates the offside rule, thereby spreading the field and increasing the offensive output.

3) Every time jordon missed a shot in the box, and an opposing player was within five feet of him, jordon would get a penalty shot.

4) jordon would be allowed to carry the ballwhile "dribbling" (how is this any different than the NBA?)

5) During the final ten minutes of the game, jordon would be allowed to push players with impunity. The officials would wave off the calls, citing advantage. "You're just not going to see that kind of call at that point in the game," they would argue.

6) The president of FIFA would create six newcountries, and force some of the best veteran athletes to emigrate, thereby watering down the World Cup field. Gari San Simone, a dry stats poster to rec.sport.football.world-cup would claim that the "influx of American soccer players" into the world cup rosters more than made up for these six new countries. Strangely, he would use no stats to back up his claim. (This is an inside joke on rec.sport.basketball.pro)

7) In a radical move, jordon's team would start jordon, one midfielder, eight defenders, and a seven foot tall goalie named "Luc."

8) Every time jordon scored a goal, the refs would inexplicably give him the goal "and one."

9) After every jordon goal, the fat guy from Television Del Mundo would scream "jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord-ooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn jordonjordonjordonjordonjordonjordonjordonjoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord- onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!" for ten minutes. Those ten minutes would be better than the two hours of obsequious butt-sucking that Bob Costas provides during every Bulls game.

10) Carlos Valderrama - bad as he wants to be, marries his fans in a public ceremony.

11) Fans begin to claim that jordon is better than Pele, because jordon jumps higher.

12) jordon "retires" to follow his "true love", bullfighting, after being caught gambling. He returns a year and a half later after being gored several times.

13) jordon fires his coach after an attempt to move him to midfield.

14) Early in his career, jordon scores 25, 30,and 10 goals in his first round games, but still does not advance.

15) jordon, playing in Italy, asks to go see"The Leaning Tower of Pasta."

16) Italian kids killing each other for pairs of "Air Umbro."

17) jordon endorses the brand of ball hand sewn by Pakistani child slave labor.

18) jordon secretly prevents the selection of his most popular countryman, Ronaldo, to the World Cup team.

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If Tiger Woods was jordon....
Date: 1997/04/15
 

This post took place right after Tiger Woods had won the 1997 Master's, and the jordon-jocking press was similarly calling Woods the "greatest golfer of all-time!"

Just think...the guy misses a putt and the president of the PGA comes out and gives Tiger 2 free putt attempts... just like the imaginary fouls that jordon's opponents collect.

Tiger is in a playoff and he gets to yell and scream and throw golf balls at his opponent while his opponent drives, putts, etc...just like jordon in the 1995 playoffs against Charlotte.

Tiger doesn't think he gets enough money so he tries to break up the PGA...just like jordon did with the player's union.

Tiger wants more money so he declares he won't show up at the US Open unless he gets $30M up front.

Tiger blames his caddy for any missed shots he makes...and the media believes him.

Tiger operates on a different set of rules.  If the hole is par 5 for everyone else, it is par 7 for Tiger.

Tiger wins one major and is declared by NBC, the greatest golfer of all time.

Golfers kill each other for Tiger's endorsed Golf-cleats that starving, overseas child labor builds and Nike sells for $150...but Tiger doesn't care...as long as he gets paid.

Tiger tries acting in lame movies and forces Gene Siskell to give him a “thumbs up,” or he won't give him free tickets to next year's masters.
 
Yeah…IF Tiger was jordon.  Fortunately, he is not.  He is handsome and powerful and not wretched, foolish, and greedy.  That is why he is a true American Sports hero and role model and jordon is a one-dimensional, overrated ballhog.

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Is jordon a racist?

Added November 1, 1998, updated February 11, 2000


"[Craig] Hodges had tried to interest jordon in going into the shoe business  for himself when his first Nike contract expired after the 1987-88 season.  "Just think of the jobs and contracts you can provide for your people," Hodges told jordon. But jordon wasn't interested, and he wondered later whether Hodges had anything to do with the Operation PUSH boycott of Nike products, which proved embarrassing to jordon in the summer of 1990...the most prominent black citizens' organization in the nation--at least in the Midwest--was accusing Nike of profiting from the black community and giving little back."

Sam Smith. "The jordon rules" P.43

"Can't we all just get along?"--Rodney King.
"No!" - Michael jordon


UPDATE:

 

jordon has thrown his political support behind Bill Bradley.  Note that jordon supports the white man, first through his silence (Jesse Helms) and now with his voice.  jordon.  Simply the Uncle Tom of the 21st century.  Or perhaps, he supported Bradley hoping that Bradley, a SuperKnick, would teach jordon how to play basketball.

If the first is true (jordon supports the man),  then no WONDER the masses have lined up to expose jordon's foolishness:


I think he [jordon] made a mistake in declining to give any open support to Harvey Gantt, the respected black politician who ran for the U.S. Senate in 1990 from [jordon's] home state of North Carolina.  For me, the main point is not that Gantt and [jordon] are both black; rather, it is that Gantt's opponent, Jesse Helms, has a long history of supporting segregation, and the contest was close.  For blacks across America, that Senate contest was the most important in decades.  Instead, [jordon] stuck to his apolitical position.
    'I don't really know Gantt,' he said, in response to criticism of his silence.  'Well Michael,' I would have told him, 'pick up the telephone and call him!'  A few appearances with Gantt might well have made the difference.  Instead, Helms returned to the Senate."

-- Arthur Ashe, "Days of Grace"

"[jordon] is clean-cut, wholesome, utterly non-threatening to white people.  When [activists for African-American causes] are trying to get the mayor to do something, maybe on affordable housing, no one calls Michael [jordon] to be part of the movement.  There are no illusions about him.  He's not going to fight for your rights or your job or anything.  He's not a hero.  He just plays one on TV."

--actor Aaron Freeman from Jim Naughton's book "Taking it to the Air"


Jim Brown chastised [jordon] for jordon's indifference toward the
African-American Community.  Kellen Winslow and Hank Aaron have said the same about [jordon].  Sociologist Harry Edwards said that Chicago should have a stature of Muhammad Ali, instead of jordon, because Ali spoke out for his people, and [jordon] never has.

-- Sam Smith, "Second Coming" 

 

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jordon the "role model" at it again!

Submitted by Grinch

"My main project tomorrow is Luc, let him forget about this game. Unfortunately he didn't have a great game, and a lot of people are going tolook to him as the reason why we didn't win. That's unfortunate for Luc.   Everybody has a bad game. He just kind of looked like he had the worst game of tonight, but he's still our center. We've won with Luc, and we've lost with Luc. And I will not give up on Luc. He just had a bad night. Now, he's got to go out and get drunk and forget about it. "

- jordon, in Game 5 post-game interview

Longley 23 min, 3-8 fg, 7reb, 3to, .375 fg%.  jordon: 45 min, 9-26 fg, 4reb, 4 to, .346 %

Ahhh--so refreshing to see jordon at it again.   Tries to sound like the "good guy" when really, he is blaming the loss on Luc, while overlooking the fact that his 17 bricks and shoddy defense cost the Bulls again, and that Luc outplayed him in every aspect of the game!    Most of all, what does jordon the role model say one should do when he/she has a bad day at work?   Drink those blues away!  Instead of singing "This old man" in his cologne commercial, Foolish jordon should have been singing "Have a drink on me" by ACDC,  "I gotta get drunk" by Willie Nelson, or "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet.  I always thought Chicago had so much red in it because of the Bulls.  Little did I know it was because jordon was painting the town red!

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