J*rdan-jockers in the Hands of an Angry God!
By Rev. Mike Naimark
[Editor's Note: While Rev. Naimark has difficulty spelling jordon's name correctly, this is still powerful prose, nonetheless]
Friends, we are gathered here to celebrate the joyous occasion of the NBA Playoffs, where legends are forged from tireless efforts and unbreakable will, where magnificent athletes test their skills against the most rigorous competition in the world, and where fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, and NBA fans of all races and nationalities can gather around the television and cheer the spectacle of professional basketball.
And yet, amidst all this spectacle, this enthusiasm, exists an evil so vile that it knows no comparison. Hidden within the grinning marketing images and crass commercialism is an entity whose malfeasance is unparalleled in recorded history. And yet despite this individual's long and dispicable history of wicked behaviors, he is worshiped by innumerable people who plead ignorance, who deny the unquestionably demonic nature of their false idol. This horned demon of the NBA goes by a name that stings the very lips of an honest man to speak them; to even mention his name is to give further power to his putrid aspirations.
Who among us is guilty of the 8th and most deadly sin?
Who among us jocks J*rdan?
We all enter into this world immersed in sin; the sins of our fathers, the sins of our mothers, the original sins of Genesis, all revisited with every new life. And yet as a society, we realize and accept the existance of these sins; we devote our lives to overcoming our sinful natures, and punish those who subcome to the temptations of evil.
And yet who can doubt that the greatest and most
dangerous evil in the world is the evil that hides, cravenly, under the guise of truth and
rightousness? For Satan is the great deceiver of all mankind, and his minions
readily assume beaific guises to better tempt the will of man. It is only through
deception that the Dark Lord can hope to bring about
Armageddon to humanity. Today we sit on the edge of the End-Times, bearing living witness to Hell's greatest dupe, its greatest con, the greatest triumph of the powers of lies and misdirection over the forces of rightousness in the history of mankind.
J*rdan's dispicable credentials were revealed to
all when I myself discovered the twin tablets inscribed with the 'jordon Prophecies'; how
he pledged eternal servitude to Satan as a teenager in exchange for his basketball skills,
how his demonic alliegance has smitten all those who oppose him with numerous plagues,
wounds, and mysterious illnesses, and
how, with the final sixth trophy, J*rdan will complete his unholy Trinity and bring about the days of Hell on earth.
But many still continue to mindlessly and willfully support this souless man despite the obvious fact that continuing to do so will unquestionably result in the destruction of all mankind, as well as the NBA! How can any free-thinking individual prefer eternal damnation and chaos over the sport of professional basketball? What bizarre hold does J*rdan and his sulfurous minions hold over these dead-eyed jockers?
The will of man is weak, and Satan has chosen his
pawn for global destruction with great care. In the naive idiocy of J*rdan, he found
a willing receptacle for his foul philosophies. Soon others, selfish of heart and
weak of mind, would unwittingly fall under J*rdan's hypnotic trance. From NBA
Commissioner David Stern down to the lowliest street
thug who assaults children in order to obtain the shoes which bear the likeness of His Unholy Airness, many have fallen prey to his insincere smile, his limp-wristed handshake, his mesmerizing glare which numbs the souls and frightens household pets.
And yet today, as the playoffs rage on, redemption of mankind is at hand! The goals of J*rdan have been exposed to all; even those who had made the error of jocking J*rdan in days past have been shaken from their slumber and arisin full of wisdom and truth with which to battle the demonic J*rdan! There is no sin in having jocked J*rdan, only in continuing to grovel before his horned visage in light of the explosive revelations of the 'jordon Prophecies'.
To those of you who have fallen into the squallor that is J*rdan's wretched altar of egoism, I say to you, RISE UP! Repent your sycophantic ways and be cleansed before it is too late! Put down your multicolored, tooth-decay inducing Gatorade and rail against J*rdan's wickedness with all your heart! Take the foul sphinctor-and-gonad stuffed Ballpark Franks from your refrigerator and bury them at the landfill, cursing J*rdan's malfeasance with every spade of dirt! Tear off the clinging rags that are J*rdan's malodorous pre-stained undergarments and run free through the streets, singing the praises of all that is pure, true, and good in the world!
Who among you will be first to confess their misguided J*rdan-jocking ways?
Who among you will be first to join in the Army of Rightousness and stand by the side of Heaven, steadfastly opposed to J*rdan's ultimate goals of a sixth title and subsequent global domination?
Who will be first to confess their covert J*rdanophilla, their repugnant infatuation with J*rdan's foul rectum, his glistening skull, his errant three-point shooting?
Stand up and be counted! Those in the service of truth and fairness have nothing to fear from the dark legions of J*rdanites who even now are plotting the demise of civilized society! Together we will stand united against the ignorance and murderousness that follows J*rdan's every sneaker-clad step, like ravens behind the crusaiding armies. Together we will overcome and thwart the wicked J*rdan and sentence him to the fate which he so richly deserves.
Together we shall forge a new age, free of the oppressive and selfish spectre of J*rdan's hellspawned powers!
America, I say to you, STOP YOUR