Episode 1: The Ballhog Menace

episode1.jpg (15546 bytes)


A long time ago (1981), when basketball was a team game…

  Your browser doesn't support java or java is not enabled!

(and incase you hate scrolling, Lucas-wanna-be text...)


Episode 1:

The Ballhog Menace

The evil National Bulls Corporation has been trying

for years to buy out the TV contract for NBA games

from CBS. Now, they have brought in the evil Sith

Lord, NBA Deputy Commissioner Stern Sidious, to aid

them. Stern has been able to work from within the league

offices and has convinced the owners to lock out the

players. However, the NBA Commissioner, Larry O'Brien, has

dispatched 2 Hall of Famers, the guardians of basketball, to

the negotiations table...


(Scene begins inside a car driving in New York. The driver is Qui-Doc Julius and riding shotgun Ervin-Wan Magic).

Julius: So how was your trip from Europe, young Ervin-Wan?

Ervin-Wan: I enjoyed it. It's certainly different. Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder in France?

Julius: What?

Ervin-Wan: Le Royale with Cheese.

Julius: Why do they do that?

Ervin-Wan: The metric system.

(they pull up to the league offices and knock on the door. A security guard answers).

Guard: What do you want?

Julius: We are here from the NBA Players' Union to negotiate.

Guard: Well certainly! Come on in. This is, after all, a legal lockout. Please wait here, have some donuts and coffee, while I tell the ownership committee of your arrival.

Julius: Very well.

(Guard leaves).

Ervin-Wan: I have a bad, bad feeling about this.

Julius: Keep your thoughts focused on present, young Ervin-Wan. This much is certain, the negotiations will be brief.

(Scene shifts to a conference room where Vicroys John Y. Brown and Ted Sapien lead the Ownership negotiating team.)

Guard: The NBAPA representatives are here, Viceroy.

Viceroy Brown: Send them in.

Guard: Sir, I think they are hall of famers.

Viceroy Sapien: Hall of famers…what's that? I've never seen one--certainly not wearing a Cavs uniform!

Viceroy Brown: They are the cream of the crop of basketball players. They have advanced skills and are a formidable threat. We must contact Lord Stern!

(Brown reaches for the phone and calls Stern).

Viceroy Brown: Your excellency, the NBAPA has dispatched 2 hall of famers to represent the players in negotiations!

Stern: Hall of famers?!? Kill them!

Viceroy Brown: We can't do that…that's illegal.

Stern: OK, then kick them out!

Viceroy Brown (to guard): you heard the man, kick them out!

(The guard goes back to the room where Qui-Doc Julius and Ervin-Wan Magic are seated.)

Guard: I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

Ervin: What?

Guard: You heard me. The management team refuses to meet with you.

Julius: Then we have no choice but to go to Chairwoman Amidala of the National Labor Relations Board.

(Scene shifts back to the Viceroys, who once again call Stern Sidious).

Viceroy Brown: Excellency, the Hall of Famers are going to Washington D.C, to bring back Chairwoman Amidala of the National Labor Relations Board.

Stern: They must not be allowed to succeed. She will certainly rule against us!

Viceroy Brown: How do we stop them?

Stern: Leave that to me!


(Stern hangs up phone and contacts a Washington D.C. affiliate of the National Bulls Company).

N.B.C. affiliate: Yes, excellency?

Stern: The commissioner has dispatched two Hall of Famers to settle the dispute. Even now, as we speak, they are heading there to bring back the chairwoman for the N.L.R.B. to settle the dispute. They must not be allowed to bring her back!

N.B.C. affiliate: Say no more, your excellency. The Hall of Famers will never meet her.


(The next scene takes place in the capital city, Washington, D.C. Julius and Ervin-Wan pull up to the building that houses the N.L.R.B. They see a limousine pulled up in front as they step out.)

Ervin-Wan: That looks like a N.B.C. limousine, master.

Julius: That it does, young Ervin-Wan. Caution is in order.

(They step inside the building and walk around. They duck behind a corner and see Chairwoman Amidala being escorted by 3 armed men in suits. Ervin-Wan and Julius each pull out a basketball from behind their robes and throw a quick pass, knocking the guns out of 2 of the guards’ hands. Julius rebounds Ervin-Wan’s ricocheted pass and passes it at the 3rd guard, knocking the gun out of his hand, also, before the hoodlum can shoot. Then, they engage the 3 guards in hand-to-hand combat and quickly knock them out.)

Julius: Earvin-Wan, where did you learn to fight like that?

Earvin-Wan: From Master Abdul-Jabbar, who learned from Bruce Lee.

Julius: I haven’t had a good fight since I had to whip Master Bird. (He turns to the Chairwoman) Chairwoman Amidala, I am Qui Doc-Julius and this is Earvin-Wan Magic. We are from the NBA Players Association, and we are here to escort you back to New York City to arbitrate the labor dispute for the lockout that the owners imposed.

Amidala: Let’s go, then.


(They get out to their car, but they see 3 limousines waiting outside. They rush into the car and take off, where they are pursued by the 3 limousines. Men from each limousine fire their guns at our heroes.)

Amidala: What are we going to do? They’re firing at us!

Julius: No need to worry. Earvin-Wan?

(Earvin-Wan reaches into his robe and pulls out a stack of dishes. He rolls down the window, leans out, and throws the dishes, frisbee-style, at 2 of the limousines. The dishes crash into the windshields, causing their drivers to panic and spin out of control. Meanwhile, the third limousine comes alongside our heroes’ car. Julius slams the brakes, and the limousine goes by, before the gunman can shoot the chairwoman. Magic then flips a dish forward, taking out the third limousine, but not before the gunman fires a shot that hits the grill of our heroes’ car).

Julius: Nice work, Earvin-Wan! That’s what I call dropping plates!!!

Amidala: That was incredible! I’ve never seen anything like that! Are those ordinary household dishes?

Earvin-Wan: Yes man. We call that the drive-and-dish. Julius drives, since nobody drives better than he, and I do the dishing.

Julius: Young Earvin-Wan handles the dishes better than anybody since the Big Y himself.

Amidala: The Big Y?

Julius: Yoda Robertson, the leader of the hall-of-fame council. He’s a wise Hall of Famer and a master basketball player.

Earvin-Wan: Master Julius, I don’t think we’re out of this yet. The car is steaming.


(Sure enough, they stop the car and get out and see that they have a hole in their radiator).

Julius: This is not good. We cannot hold enough water for an extended road trip. We need to find somebody who knows how to fix this. But first, we need to get out of here. No doubt, every N.B.C. affiliate in the area has been alerted of our presence and will be looking for us. Earvin-Wan, let’s fill the radiator with water, and move to the next town.

Earvin-Wan: Which town?

Julius: It’s called Lovetron.

Amidala: Lovetron? I hear there are some real space cadets there. I don’t think we should go.

Julius: I have an acquaintance from there. We’ll be safe, because there is no N.B.C. affiliate there.


(Our heroes pull into the town of Lovetron. They pull up to the town’s auto-repair shop and walk in)

Julius: Good Day, Sir. We are in need of a new radiator as well as installation.

Mechanic: That will be $500 parts and labor.

Julius: I, uh, left my wallet in my other robe. Earvin-Wan?

Earvin-Wan: I don’t carry that kind of money on me. I just have my per-diem money on me. Chairwoman?

Amidala: The government doesn’t pay THAT well.

Julius: How about if we trade you for some autographed jerseys and basketballs? That will fetch far more than $500 on the sports memorabilia market.

Mechanic: Who do you think you are – hall of famers? Dr. J and Magic Johnson? Ha ha ha! I only deal in cold hard cash. Until then, no radiator!

Julius: Sorry to have wasted your time.

(They turn and leave).

Earvin-Wan: Master, Julius, what are we going to do, now?

Julius: We will go to the basketball courts and raise the money.


(They go to the basketball courts and see many skilled players playing. They go up to a group.)

Julius: What’s the bets on this court?

Player 1: $500 per game.

Julius: We got next. The three of us will take on any 5 of you for $500.

Player 2: We want nothing to do with you.

Earvin-Wan: Why not?

Player 2: Because you two are Hall of Famers! We will not be hustled.

Julius: What makes you say that?

Player 2: Your shorts give you away. The only people who wear shorts that short and socks that high are hall of famers! Go along! You’ll make no money here!


(They start to leave, but as they are leaving, a young boy, about 17 years old runs up to them)

Boy: Dr. J! Magic Johnson! May I have your autographs?

Julius: Sure. What’s your name?

Boy: Michael. Michael jordon. What brings you guys to this town?

Julius: We’re on an important mission, but our car broke down. We have no money, and we’re trying to get it fixed. We were hoping to raise some money here, but no one will bet us.

Michael: I’ll make the money for you!

Julius: No, that’s ok, but thanks for the offer. Another way will present itself.

Michael: Well, please don’t leave yet. Come over to the other court and meet my brother, Larry. He’ll never believe me if I told I met the two of you.

Julius: Very well, then.

(They go over to the other court. As they approach, Larry yells to Michael)

Larry: Michael! Get in here! We need another player.

Michael: O.K. Guys, I’ll be back in a minute. Please don’t leave.

Julius: Worry not. We’re not going anywhere.

(They watch the game. As they do, they are amazed at young Michael jordon. He demonstrates incredible hang time and body control while in mid-air. He completely smothers his counterpart with his defense. He makes crisp passes to his teammates that set them up for easy baskets. He uses both hands equally well. He’s quiet, reserved, and completely professional, not talking trash, not grabbing body parts, and not trying to belittle his opponents.)

Earvin-Wan: Master Julius, are you seeing this?

Julius: How could I not, young Earvin-Wan?

Earvin-Wan: He plays like a seasoned pro! He possesses the fundamentals and intelligence of a Holzman-SuperKnick! Yet he has the flash and excitement of the Hawk and the Goat! Do you think he could be the one?

Julius: The promised one? The one who is supposed to bring balance to the Funda?

Earvin-Wan: Well, the Funda is strong with him. His fundamentals appear to be as strong as Master Clutch and the Big Y when they were young!

Julius: Don’t jump to conclusions, young Earvin-Wan. The prophesies say that the promised one will play for the Sixers and will be known as "The Answer."

Earvin-Wan: But master, we don’t know the future. We don’t know who will draft this boy or what his nickname will be. He is by far the strongest candidate we have ever seen. I dare say that he could challenge even YOU in a dunk contest!

(Julius glares at Earvin-Wan)

Earvin-Wan: Ok, maybe not. But he’s just a boy, and look at his hops!

Julius: Control you enthusiasm, young Earvin-Wan. Remember, hype leads to greed, which leads to the dark side of the Funda.

Earvin-Wan: Forgive me, Master Julius.

Julius: Remember, many tried to declare David Thompson the promised one, but he lacked the control of his life to be the promised one … However, I do believe Michael should be brought before the Hall of Fame council. They will determine if he is the promised one.


(Game ends…Michael and Larry run over to our heroes)

Larry: Wow! Dr. J and Magic Johnson! This is so cool!

Earvin: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Larry. That was an impressive performance you guys put on out there.

Larry: Thanks. I have a lot of work to do on my offensive game, but I do enjoy playing defense. Michael was the real star.

Julius: Michael, how long have you lived in Lovetron? I didn’t know such strong Funda existed in Lovetron. My lone contact from here was a center who did crowd-pleasing, glass-shattering dunks, but never lived up to his potential.

Michael: Larry and I aren’t from Lovetron. We’re up here visiting my Uncle for the summer. We’re from Wilmington, North Carolina.

Julius: I bet you make a lot of money on these courts.

Michael: Not really. Our Uncle makes us bet and he keeps the winnings. If I had my choice, I’d play for free. I just love playing basketball. I think the money takes away from the game.

Julius: (looking at Earvin-Wan, yet still talking to Michael): That is the right attitude to have, Michael. Never forget that the love of the game is the reason to play.

Michael: Are you sure you guys don’t want me to win you $500, so you can fix your car? It’s the least I can do for a couple of my basketball heroes!

Julius: Sure, Michael.

Michael: Alright! Co’mon, Larry! Let’s win one for the Doctor!

(They run over to the other court).

Michael: Guys! We’ve got next!

Player 1: Where’s your money?

Julius: How about my car? It’s over in front of the auto shop.

Player 2: We told you guys to stay away! We want nothing to do with you.

Julius: Me and my travelling companion are not playing. It’s just these 2 boys.

Player 1: Who’s the third member?

Julius: They need no third member. They will take on any 3 of you.

Michael: Doc, are you sure that is a good idea?

Julius: Trust me, Michael.

Player 2: And you’re willing to bet your car?

Julius: Against $1,000.

Player 1: You’re on!

Michael: Doc, how are we to take on 3 guys? Larry isn’t much of an offensive player.

Julius: Michael, you must trust your instincts. Don’t try to make the fancy shot simply for visual effects. There are no style points. Take what the defense gives you and let the Funda flow through you.

Michael: OK, Doc. I’ll try.

Julius: No. Do or do not. There is no try.

Michael: OK, I’ll do it.

Julius: Very good. And Michael…may the Funda be with you!


(Michael goes out to the court. Just then, Michael’s uncle, Phil "The Phool" Knight walks up and stands next to Julius and Earvin-Wan).

Phil: (talking to no one in particular) yeah, my nephew, Michael, is gonna earn his favorite Uncle some more grip!

Julius: Excuse me, but are you Michael jordon’s uncle?

Phil: That’s me, who’s asking?

Julius: My name is Qui-Doc Julius and this is Earvin-Wan Magic. And young Michael is playing on money that we put up for him.

Phil: Hey, it’s your dime!

Julius: And that means that we get the winnings.

Phil: Yeah, sure, whatever you say, but only after his favorite Uncle Phil has taken his 50% cut.

Julius: Fair enough, but only on one condition: the boy gets to travel with us to Springfield, Massachusetts.

Phil: Massachusetts? Are you nuts? I need that boy around here to make me money! Take Larry!

Julius: Tell me, sir. Do you happen to know who Michael’s father was?

Phil: Well, for a long time, we thought it was Wilt Chamberlain.

Julius: Master Wilt? Why is that?

Phil: Well, because he’s fathered most of the children on the East Coast. Also, Mike is the only tall child in the family. Jimmy, my brother, he’s not tall. Larry – well, you see he’s not tall. DeLoris, his mother, isn’t tall. None of his other siblings are tall. That made us think that another rooster was in the hen house. However, we did a DNA test on him, and found out that the father is indeed my brother Jimmy. I just don’t understand how the boy grew so tall!

Earnin-Wan: Perhaps it was the will of the Funda!

Phil: The what?

Julius: Pay no mind to him.

Phil: Hey! Where is Michael and Larry’s teammate?

Julius: They don’t have one.

Phil: You nuts? 3-on-2? You don’t like your money, do you?

Julius: How about we put a side wager on this: if the boy and his brother win, you allow me to take Michael to Massachusetts…

Phil: And if they lose?

Julius: Me and my Hall-of-Fame companion will remain in Lovetron for the summer and make money for you.

Phil: You’ve got a deal!


(The scene shifts back to New York City, where Stern Sidious is having a private meeting with Players’ Representative Billy Hunter, Sr. and his son, Billy, Jr.)

Stern: This lockout is most unfortunate, no?

Billy Sr.: Yes. This looked like such a promising season. I really think Magic and Larry will revitalize the league, if we give them a chance.

Stern: It is unfortunate that Commissioner O’Brien allowed this dispute to get so out of hand.

Billy, Sr.: Especially, since it appeared we had no dispute. I thought all sides were happy.

Stern: Yes, he is a weak commissioner. I would suggest that you call for a vote of no confidence in the Commissioner. This will allow a ballot to be taken among ownership, and they can elect a strong commissioner.

Billy, Sr.: Wouldn’t that install a commissioner that works for the owners and not the common good?

Stern: Not at all. What would make you think that?

Billy, Sr.: Well … they are the ones electing him.

Stern: Nonsense! You are the one removing the bad commissioner, no?

Billy, Sr.: Well, you do have a good point! I agree! I will call for a vote of no confidence in Commissioner O’Brien.

Stern: Very good.

Billy, Sr.: Billy, Jr., you see how we get things done?

Billy, Jr.: Yes sir, dad! I hope that someday that I can be a good labor negotiator, just like you!!!


(Scene shifts back to Lovetron, where the game begins. Once again, young Michael jordon, puts on an impressive show. Despite playing 2-on-3, they still dominate. The other players do not take advantage of their extra player, instead hogging the ball, being selfish, and not playing team ball. Michael and Larry, meanwhile, run their pick and rolls, drive and dishes, give and gos, etc. to perfection. Michael sets up Larry for many easy jumpers and takes advantage of his mismatches for easy points. Michael and Larry win and the opponents pay Julius and Earvin-Wan their $1000.)

Julius (to Phil): Here’s your $500 cut, sir. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be on our way.

Phil: That’s not fair! You knew the boys would win.

Julius: Sometimes when you bet, you lose.

Earvin-Wan (to Michael): Michael, would you like to go to Massachusetts with us? We have some people who would like to meet you. You may be eligible for Hall-of-Fame training.

Michael: Sure!!


(Scene shifts to the auto shop, where our foursome gets into their repaired car)

Julius (to Amidala): Chairwoman, we will go to New York City and take you to the NBA League Offices for negotiations, and then the 3 of us need to go to Massachusetts so that Young Michael can be interviewed by the Hall of Fame council.

Amidala: Sounds like a game plan!


(Next scene: our heroes’ car pulls up to the league office building. They step out and approach the building, but then, out comes a large man wearing a black robe. He approaches them and spins a basketball on his finger. He stops and removes his hood, to reveal himself as Darth Barry Carroll. He points across the street, to an abandoned basketball court.)

Amidala: What is the meaning of this?

Julius: It’s a challenge to our Hall of Fame status. This man is a Sith.

Amidala: Sith?

Earvin-Wan: A player who represents the dark side of the Funda.

Amidala: Funda?

Julius: Players like Earvin-Wan and myself have spent years of hard work honing our skills. We have been trained in the ways of the Funda -- or fundamentals.  We worked for everything we got. We play because we love the game. The Sith are lazy and depend on hype, potential, and the mediaclorians. Their ally is not smart shot selection, team play, boxing out, and such. Their ally is leaping ability, body size, and athleticism. This is the dark side of the Funda.

Michael: What are mediaclorians?

Julius: They are parasitic, brainless, insignificant sports people who work for newspapers, tv, talk radio, and such. They tell the masses about the will of the dark side of the Funda. They have a symbiotic relationship with those they jock.  They jock bad players and get quotes and stories in return.  Look, here they come…

(Ahmad Rashad, Bob Costas, Peter Vescey, Hanna Storm, a cameraman, and a referee come out of the building)

Hanna Storm (talking to the camera): Hello viewers! Hanna Storm here at the NBA league offices, where we have just received news that Qui-Doc Julius has agreed to play Darth Barry Carroll one-on-one. At stake is the lockout: if the Qui-Doctor wins, Chairwoman Amidala may go to the negotiation table. If Darth Barry Carroll wins, she may not. Now for more details, let's ask Peter Vescey his thoughts…

Vescey: Well Hanna, my sources tell me that Qui-Doc is about to be traded to Boston for Larry Bird and Tiny Archibald, so this game may be insignificant.

Hanna: And why would that make it insignificant – isn’t Qui Doc still a hall of famer?

Vescey: Well…uh…yeah, but I just had to toss that trade rumor in.

Hanna: Let’s go down to court side, to Ahmad Rashad and Bob Costas…

Bob Costas: Hello, Bob Costas here. Ahmad, what’s your thoughts on today’s game?

Ahmad: Well, Qui-Doc may have come off of a MVP season, but you got to wonder if he’s too old. Especially going up against last year’s #1 pick in the draft. A #1 pick is very, very impressive.  Darth Barry Carroll was drafted higher than Bill Russell, Wes Unseld, and Nate Thurmond!!!  He may very well be even better than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Wilt Chamberlain!  Even Qui-Doc wasn’t a #1 pick!

Bob: And we can never discount the height advantage of Darth Barry Carroll. After all, Ernie Banks was a lot bigger than little Freddie Patek, and the former is hall of famer! (Bob’s annoying baseball reference).

Amidala: Qui-Doc, you didn't agree to those conditions -- basing the entire negotiations on a basketball game!

Julius: Leave it to the mediaclorians.  He has challenged me in combat, so I must defeat him.  Leave this to me.  (turns to Michael).  Michael, do not be swayed by the dark side of the Funda.  The mediaclorians do not know what they speak of.  Their exclamation points, high pitched talk, and phony crowd noise does not make for good basketball. 

Michael: But Qui-Doc, why can't I play him?  I can take him.

Julius: No, Michael.  Stay there.  I'll be back shortly.

(Doc takes off his robe, palms the ball like it was a softball and walked to the court, where he squares off against Darth Barry Carroll with the official appointed by the league office.  The game is underway.  Qui-Doc, using the Funda is simply too much for Darth Barry Carroll and the official who was appointed by Stern Sidious.  They are playing make-it-take-it to 10 by 1s.   Darth Barry Carroll does manage to dunk a basketball, which makes Bob and Ahmad go crazy and try to glorify the dark side of the Funda, but Qui-Doc has him 9-1. 
        Then, Qui-Doc goes up for the game winner and is shoved to the ground by Darth Barry Carroll.  Qui-Doc lands wrong and severely sprains an ankle.  The Stern-appointed ref, predictably, refuses to call a foul.   Darth Barry Carroll grabs the ball and dunks it.  Qui-Doc tries to get up but can't put any weight on his foot.  Darth Barry Carroll roars back, while Qui-Doc hobbles around.  Finally, Qui-Doc gets a rebound and calls time out and signals Earvin-Wan to come and take his place. 
        The score is tied 9-9: next basket wins.   Earvin-Wan goes to the left wing and then dribbles toward the lane and drops a junior-junior-skyhook in for the game-winner. 
        However, during the game, young Michael goes over, against Julius' instructions, and talks to Ahmad and seems to have a star-struck look on his face when he comes back.  What Ahmad told him, is unknown, but it probably wasn't useful in the ways of the Funda. 
        Earvin-Wan leaves the court, helps Qui-Doc limp off the court and they escort Chairwoman Amidala to the negotiation table, where they learn that Union President, Billy Hunter, Sr. has called for a vote of no-confidence in Commissioner O'Brien and the Viceroys voted Stern Sidious as the new commissioner.   Our heroes, leave the Chairwoman there to arbitrate the case and leave to take young Michael to the Hall-of-Fame council.  After a short trip, they arrive in Springfield and go before the council, led by the Big Y, Yoda Robertson)

(Scene shifts to the chamber of the Hall of Fame Council. Qui-Doc stands in the middle of a ring of seated legends: Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Jerry "Mr. Clutch" West, Bob Cousy, Elgin Baylor, and others, but the most imposing figure was one of the smallest members, known as "The Big Y", Yoda Robertson).

Big Y: What brings you here, Master Julius?

Julius: Earvin-Wan and myself just did battle with a Sith. We defeated him, like we always do, but this time, there seemed to be an evil in the air.

Big Y: An evil?

Julius: Yes, like the league somehow supports these lazy Sith bums.

Big Y: How so?

Julius: They sent out 4 mediaclorians, and a referee who did everything he could to help the Sith. They came out of the league office building. The league office and the head of the referees didn’t seemed the least bit distressed.

Big Y: Disturbing, this news is.

Julius: It seemed like the league officials were throwing their support behind the Sith Warrior.

Big Y: Watch closer, we will. Do you have any other news, Master Julius?

Julius: Yes. While Earvin-Wan and I was escorting Chairwoman Amidala back to New York City, we had to stop in Lovetron, and while there, we ran into a boy that we think MAY be the promised one.

(Everyone in the room gasps)

Wilt: You mean the one who will play in Philadelphia and be known as "The Answer?"

Julius: Yes.

Bill Russell: The one who will bring balance to the Funda?

Julius: Yes.

Big Y: So sure, are you?

Julius: The boy possesses unworldly grace in the air and hang time that resembles my own, and at the same time, he displayed the fundamentals that could only come through much practice and hard work.

Jerry West: David Thompson appeared to demonstrate the same abilities.

Elgin: And some even thought YOU, Julius, were the one. If not for your nickname, "The Doctor", many would have thought that you WERE the prophesied "Answer."

Wilt: And as we know, the Funda does not flourish in Lovetron.

Julius: But he’s not FROM Lovetron. He was visiting relatives from there. He’s from North Carolina.

Big Y: Ahhhhh, Tarheel country, he resides from!

Wilt: The Tarheels are well rooted in the Funda, as I found out in 1957.

Julius: And consider that nobody in his family is over 6-feet tall, yet he is 6’6"! I do not believe that our finding him was chance. I believe it was the will of the Funda.

Big Y: Bring the boy in. Test him, we will.


(Next scene: Michael jordon is standing in the middle of the Hall of Fame Council, answering questions:)

Big Y: What is more important: Personal glory or winning?

Michael: I just enjoy playing the game, Mr. Robertson, sir. I want to win. I consider it an honor to be allowed to play the game, so if I can do anything needed to win, I consider it icing on the cake.

Bill Russell: Who is the greatest power forward ever?

Michael: I’d have to say Bob Petitt.

Bill Russell: Good, you know your history.

Big Y: What’s your favorite part of basketball?

Michael: Well, it used to be defense and passing, but after I talked to Ahmad, he convinced me that shooting is a joy unto itself. (jordon has a love-struck expression on his face)

Big Y: uh oh.

Michael: What?

Wilt: You have been influenced by the mediaclorians. Didn’t Qui-Doc tell you to stay away from them?

Michael: Yes, but what is the harm of talking to the press?

Russell: You have been influenced by the voice of the dark side of the Funda.

Michael: Isn’t shooting good?

Wilt: Yes, it is necessary to win games. However, you should be equally happy at a good pass or a good defensive stop, if not happier.

Michael: You, sir, scored 100 points in a game. You’re telling me that wasn’t your favorite accomplishment?

Wilt: You speak correctly. My favorite personal achievement was leading the league in assists. It shared the glory with my deserving teammates.

Michael: I don’t see why this is such a big deal.

Big Y: Love of shooting leads to gunning, which leads to hype, which leads to greed, which leads to the Dark Side of the Funda…I sense much love of shooting from you.


(Next scene: Qui-Doc Julius and Earvin-Wan Magic join jordon in the middle of the Hall of Fame Council.)

Qui-Doc Julius: Master Big Y, have you come to your conclusion?

Big Y: Yes! "The Answer" this boy is not.

Earvin-Wan: What?!? How can you say that?

Bill Russell: He has been touched by the mediaclorians. He has fallen in love with shooting above all else.

Julius: This can’t be! I told him to stay away from the mediaclorians.

Big Y: Disobey you, he did! Influenced he has been.

Earvin-Wan: Give him a chance. We all make mistakes. Look at the Hawk. He was influenced by bad men and was found guilty by association. Put the boy under proper training and let’s see if he fulfills the prophesy.

Wilt: Julius has told about the disturbing battle earlier today. This boy could be the instrument of darkness the league is looking for. We all sense a disturbance in the Funda.

Julius: Let me train him!

Wilt: Absolutely not! You already have Young Patawans Cheeks and Toney under your tutelage. Three would be too many, especially since this boy will need much teaching.

Earvin-Wan: Don’t let such a rare talent waste away in Lovetron, hustling money for a dishonest uncle. Put him under guiding from a master. If he is swayed, we will put him in his place. The league office and the dark side of the Funda isn’t THAT strong. We still whipped Darth Barry Caroll! No amount of hype can overcome the Funda. Jumping and dunking can never replace intelligent basketball.

Big Y: Right you are, perhaps. Train the boy, we will. Dean Smith Windu of Chapel Hill will train the boy in the ways of the Funda, Yes?

Michael: That will work. I will not disappoint you.

Big Y: We shall see…


(Scene shifts to the front of the League Office, where Qui-Doc and Earvin-Wan have rejoined. There is a large assembly of players, who have come to celebrate the end of the lockout. Qui-Doc, Earvin-Wan, and Michael go to the meet Chairwoman Amidala, Billy Hunter Sr, and Stern Sidious)

Stern: (to Michael) Young Michael…Congratulations. I heard about your heroics and that you have signed a letter of intent to play with North Carolina next year. We will be following your career closely.

(Stern goes off to shmooz with the press)

Qui-Doc: (to Amidala) How did the negotiations go?

Billy Hunter, SR (interrupting): It went very well! Once we got Stern Sidious in charge, we had a reasonable negotiator to work with. Calling the vote of no confidence in former Commissioner O'Brien was a stroke of genius!

Amidala: The negotiations did appear to go well. The league folded on every single point. Once Stern got control of the Commissioner's job, he seemed eager to end the lockout. He blames O'Brien for the lockout, but I have to wonder. I sense something evil about that man.

Qui-Doc: As do we all. (Turns to Michael) Come Michael, you have much training ahead of you…

The End ... but you already know how this tragedy will play out!