The jordon Prophesies Prove True!

By Mike Naimark 

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It was all true.

The dire predictions foretold by the the explosive theological text, "THE jordon PROPHECIES", did indeed come to fruition. Can there be any doubt as to the veracity of this divinely inspired work? Dare anyone discount this incontravertable proof of the black hand of Satan in our very midst?

Yea, "THE jordon PROPHECIES" made a mockery of their detractors and successfully foretold future events with an accuracy that puts any other religious or theological treatise to shame. Viewed in their entirety (, these prophecies amount to nothing less than a grevious warning to all of mankind about the malevolent machinations of Earth's most renowned pawn of Satan, the craven Bull Lord, Michael jordon. jordon, the false idol of millions of children and simpletons worldwide, the slavering sycophant of the Devil himself, the man whose very name is synonymous with egoism and avarice.

jordon. Speak his name in hushed whispers. Spit upon his image.

The final verses of "THE jordon PROPHECIES" foretold that, upon winning his 6th and least deserved NBA title, Wicked jordon would launch a scheme to destroy the very NBA which gave him prominance, en route to the eventual destruction of mankind and humanity by legions of Satan's star-struck jordonites and like-minded fiends. We all know that following jordon's "push watched round the world" and 6th title victory, David Falk, agent of greed and, coincidently, jordon, exerted his influence over his cash-drunk clients and forced the NBA season to be halted before it even began.  Inspired by their selfish desires to "Be Like Mike", these high-profile players eagerly trod upon the desires of hundreds of their lesser-paid teamates and demanded the right to unlimited, jordon-esque salaries. The season was halted. Stadiums stood empty. Peanut vendors, hot dog salemen, parking lot attendants; all went unpaid.

Somewhere, the wicked jordon took a break from pulling the strings of Falk and his brainwashed charges, and laughed. A dark, ominous, malevolent laugh of the damned. For surely, jordon was serving his master well. The end times were close indeed.

Spurned onwards by the incessant wheedling of jordon and his minions, the demands and desires of the players grew ever more outlandish. No salary cap should confine their greed. No mere league flunky should curtail their behavior. In a spat of forthright selfishness, the players agreed to hold an exhibition, with proceeds directed to 'underprivledged' players in a league where the average salary exceeded $2 million per year. There was talk of Falk and his squad of dimwitted NBA goons forming their own, non-NBA league, to accomidate the desires of the elite for unlimited earnings.

The smell of brimstone was palpable. Hurricanes ravaged the seas. jordon stayed behind the scenes, relishing in the anticipated fruits of his efforts.

And yet, when all seemed darkest, when the choking grasp of jordon seemed tightly clenched around the trachea of a league which had grown fat on the selfless efforts of Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Oscar Robertson, Bill Russell, and Wilt Chamberlain, a miracle occured. Nothing less than a

The hypnotic gaze of jordon lost its hold on the vast majority of NBA players, those confined to the ranks of mere 'basketball players', unable to demand the lofty concessions of the 'NBA Superstars' like jordon and his ilk. Voices of dissention arose, hesitantly at first, soon to be joined by others as jordon's Dark Jordi mind-control began to falter.

"We were happy with the current deal", they meekly offered. "We just want to play basketball, the sport we love. Had we wanted to roll in ill-gotten money, we could have gone to law school."

jordon's pawns quickly moved to smite such infidels, but it was too late.  Billy Hunter's protestations fell of increasingly deafened ears as the days ticked past. The desires of the super-rich elite no longer held sway with the 'working class' rich of the NBA. As the torrent of protest swelled to deafening levels, jordon fled the country to commune with his 'boss'; not Billy Hunter, or David Stern, or Phil Jackson, or Jerry Krause. Surely only a direct meeting with jordon's true idol and role model, the foul Lucifer himself, would reawaken the demonic powers that lurked within jordon's murky soul.

But jordon's ego was to be his undoing yet again. For while jordon certainly knows few peers in his role as a deceiver, conning innoncent basketball fans into supporting the sham of his greatness, Satan remains the greatest deveiver of mankind. As the unwashed NBA masses grew strong in their voice and convictions, jordon sought solice in the sulfurous arms of his master, but it was not to be.

The hour was late, but even the Devil himself was forced to realize that his favorite son, the Evil jordon, was ultimately an inept bumbler, as incompetent in his role as a defiler and leader as he was deciphering the intricies of playing NBA defense. Despite all the hellspawned favors bestowed on Wicked jordon, he was unable to bring Satan's plans to fruition for no other reason than his own foolish ways. As Satan had done so many times throughout human history, he grew disgusted with the frailties of his human pawn, and so he discarded him.

Foul jordon, a man whose entire basketball career, beginning with his high school varsity team, was predicated on his pact with Lucifer, suddenly found himself cut loose from the tugboat that had dragged his self-worshiping carcass and bloated ego to fame and glory for more than a decade. Alone and with only his mountains of ill-gained money to comfort him, jordon looked in the mirror and was disgusted with the pathetic, cowering lie than gazed back at him. A failure to Satan, a failure to heaven, a disgrace to the sport of professional baseball, an embarassment as an actor alongside matinee idol Yosemite Sam. His trophies and accolades only served as a testiment to jordon's own failing and dependancy on his dark cabal.

And so, the craven and wicked jordon, who had for a generation subjugated everything he touched to his own balooning ego, found himself without hope, his basketball skills stripped by his former master. No longer would teamates feel an irresistable urge to pass the ball yet again to the man who has missed his last 5 shots. No more would referees feel cowed by his demonic presence on court. No longer would league officials awaken in a cold sweat from dreams where they swear allegiance to jordon's whims. The gig was up.

And so, the craven jordon summoned up all the selfish energy he could muster, and managed one last great act of egoism. Unwilling to allow himself to play basketball on an even footing with his former "supporting cast", unwilling to face being exposed for the sham he was, unable to face the combined insult of having his own inate mediocricy exposed before his unthinking masses of jordon jockers, the vile jordon simply took his ball and went home.

Yes, fair reader, the reign of crepulence embodied by the sycophantic jordon is over. No longer will we be subjected to his petulent and hypocritical whinings about whistles not blown or money unearned. The fetid turd that was jordon's reign of egoism has been expelled once and for all from the spastic colon of society. Today, January 13, 1999, we, as fans of both basketball and humanity, celebrate our independance from the tyrany of jordon.

Yes, Satan undoubtedly has other threats to brandish before us, and we shall deal with them accordingly as they manefest themselves; but for today, we can all join hands and celebrate our vigilance and rightousness in the face of jordon's hellspawned quest to destroy the world.

My job, then, is over here. Chosen by fate to relay the tale of jordon's weakness and pathetic lack of chatacter, and to warn of the true nature of his desire, I have endured the slings and arrows of jordon's minions without flinching. I have served my debt to the world, and will now humbly recede from this quest with the satisfaction that no less than the NBA players themselves were able to see through the deceptions of the Terrible jordon and in doing so save humanity.

We now return, for the first time in nearly a decade, to the sport of professional basketball.


Rev Mike Naimark

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