A Retirement Tribute to jordon


Ding!  Dong!  The witch is dead!!!


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Top 10 Reasons jordon retired

10) Magic Johnson double-dog dared him to host a better talk show ... expect jordon’s return to basketball next week (that’s how long it will take him to make a better show).

9) His mantle is full of undeserved MVPs and undeserved Finals MVPs, and he doesn’t have any place to put 2 more.

8) jordon the chef won the Texas Chili Cook-Off that he won 3 times in a row, before retiring "for good".  Now he wants to win it again.

7) Tim Floyd, who is a better coach than Phil the Phool, was going to make Kerr and Harper the starting backcourt -- and win the title!

6) Foolish jordon realized he’s left handed, and decided to give baseball another try, now that he’s figured out why he couldn’t hit.

5) Foolish jordon knew this was the year of the SuperKnicks and was afraid to stand in front of the steamroller that Super Patrick Ewing was driving.

4) No Scottie, no winning record, no hype.

3) Space Jam II

2) He wants to learn how to drive a golf ball like Happy Gilmore, so Foolish jordon is going to join the Blackhawks. He will probably start for them (and Super Joe Sakic is ready to treat him like Super John Starks does!)

1) Because the new collective bargaining agreement rates veteran minimum salaries based on the number of years experience, NBA teams decided that the minimum salary for Foolish jordon (13 years) wasn't cost-effective, so nobody was interested in signing him.


jordon's retirement exposes jordon's foolishness!

Have you ever seen a man who has absolutely no clue what the words "I", "me", or any first person pronoun or first person possessive means?  Observe.

"We are hopefully going to be known as a championship city and I hope it continues on even when Michael jordon is not in uniform. I will support the Chicago Bulls. I think the game itself is a lot bigger than Michael jordon. I've been given an opportunity by people before me, to name a few, Kareem
Abdul- Jabbar, Dr. J, Elgin Baylor, Jerry West. These guys played the game way before Michael jordon was born and Michael jordon came on the heels of all that activity..."

--Michael jordon, from his retirement announcement.

Kareem joined the NBA in 1969. Jordan was born in 1963.

jordon...simply befuddled by simple math.

jordon, when pressed for a "are you certain you will never come back" type of question, said he was 99.9% sure. One of the final questions by one of jordon's jockers in the press was why is he holding on to 1% and jordon said because it was his 1% and not theirs. THEN, when it was over, Dan Patrick asked jordon jocker David Aldridge "why 99.9%?" and Aldridge said because jordon is allowed to keep his half a percent.

jordon...simply befuddled by simple math.
jordon jockers...trying too hard to be like Mike...and it shows.

Finally, the first question was about why jordon waited to retire. In the midst of his answer, he said that he wanted to support the players of the future and the union, just like the players before him did. Yeah, sure. Let's not forget jordon's support of his union brothers before him:

"...Hodges who was among the strongest backers of an additional pension program for the players that went into effect late in the summer of 1990.  The plan was to provide money for players in the years after they retired until their pension plan went into effect at age forty-five.  It sounded good, but it also meant that each team would have about $1.5 million less under the salary cap to sign players now...with more money under the cap, the teams presumably could re-negotiate some deals, like jordon's...Publicly, it should have been an embarrassing position for jordon to take, seeking a raise at the expense of players who were less fortunate...Late in the summer, Hodges got a message to call [jordon's agent David] Falk.  'You know, Michael is against this proposal,' Falk told Hodges, the Bulls' player representative who would cast the team's vote at the upcoming union meeting.  "He'd really like to see it rejected."  Hodges heard the underlying warning--go against Michael and you risk you position on the team--but he believed the issue was more important than his own security...Hodges joined in a near-unanimous vote in support of the proposal.  As Hodges walked out of the meeting, smiling broadly if a little nervously, he went up to a friend and joked, "You know he's going to have me traded now."--Page 43-4.

jordon. Simply a hypocrite.


Swisher Sweets expose jordon's foolishness!

Did you hear about Foolish Michael jordon's right index finger? Did you see it bandaged up at his retirement announcement? Poor guy! What was he doing? Chopping up ingredients for his superior restaurant (since jordon is a world class chef)? Was he wresting crocodiles?

No! jordon cut it with a cigar cutter and severed a tendon!


Perhaps I should teach jordon how to operate one of those devices.  It's not hard. Even a jordon jocker can figure it out. The cigar, not your finger, goes in the hole.

And just what the heck was jordon doing cutting a Swisher, anyway? (Foolish jordon probably smokes foolish cigars) Swishers have that hole in the end, so they don't have to be cut!

Foolish jordon!!! When Super Patrick Ewing is lighting up his victory cigar next year, watch and learn as he cuts it!


Rick Reilly exposes jordon's foolishness!

Rick Reilly is a writer for Sports Illustrated.  He has written articles that expose jordon's foolishness.   Here is a very powerful exposť.  He does a little jordon jocking, but not everyone is clearly enlightened about jordon's foolishness.  He does expose some powerful points.  Here is his article -- I have corrected his spelling:

Well, it wasn't exactly Sophie's Choice, was it?

I mean, it was either a) play the game of your life, hold the pose and retire in eye-aching glory, or b) come back for a sawed- off season full of puffy daddies stumbling around for teams Scotch-taped together at a chaotic two-week yard sale.

It was either stop at the absolute top -- the way Muhammad Ali didn't, the way Wayne Gretzky hasn't, the way Willie Mays wouldn't -- or drag your legend through the slop. We'll give you all the time you need. Is 10 seconds enough?

And yet, somehow, it took Michael jordon seven months to make the decision.

Seven months! Carmen Electra could get married 42 times in seven months!  Your new Pentium 4000X PowerLap will be obsolete in less time! The Malaysian red-eared sloth gestates, delivers and expires in less than seven months! Thank God, jordon's not working the ER.

Nurse: Dr. jordon! This kid's in big trouble! What should we do?

jordon: Ummm, well, let me run that by Charles and get back to you.

Not that anybody was eager to hear. Just the NBA, NBC, the Chicago Bulls, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, 198 other free agents, Dow Jones, America, the world and Radio Free Neptune.

You say, Wait a minute! Michael was just holding off to bolster the players' position during negotiations to end the lockout!

Some bolstering. jordon was about as much help as Boutros Boutros-Ghali.  He'd show up for a meeting or two, as long as there were hot and cold running craps tables, but that's about it. Without him, the players crumbled like Roquefort, becoming the first sports union in history to agree to put a lid on what athletes can make. Thanks to the leadership of Billy Hunter, who trained under Custer, a player who had the potential to make $30 million a year last month, now can never make more than $14 million. Hey, where do we sign?

Not long ago, jordon said he'd announce his decision when the lockout ended. It ended. jordon was playing golf in the Bahamas. The next day jordon was playing golf in the Bahamas. The next day jordon was playing golf in the Bahamas.

The Bulls said they weren't lifting a hoof until they heard from jordon. The league froze. A whole line of free agents bumped into the back of one another. For jordon it must've been some wonderful ego trip: the world waiting for you on one crammed corner, rain dripping off guys' hats as each of them lifted his watch to his ear to see if the damn thing was still ticking.  "Scottie's been trying to reach him," Jimmy Sexton, Pippen's agent, said three days after the agreement was reached. "Nobody knows where he is."

Can you believe that? Here was Pippen, without whom jordon's fingers go naked, ready to finally step forward and cash his first big lotto ticket (Pippen made $30 million less than jordon in salary alone last season), and jordon left him cooling in the lobby.

And you are ...?

It's not just Pippen. The Bulls have four signed players. Four! Currently the second Luv-a-Bull from the right is scheduled to start at power forward.  Club chairman Jerry Reinsdorf didn't know whether to reload or rebuild.  "I'm going to talk to Michael directly," he said, "or through somebody."

That's nice. The guy who's paid you $63 million over the last two seasons has to talk to you through your valet? jordon has talked to Daffy Duck more than Reinsdorf in the last six months.

And what about poor Tim Floyd, Chicago's coach-in-perpetual-waiting?  He's still director of basketball operations, "just in case Michael wants to name his own coach," said one Bulls executive. Terrific! In this way jordon was able to jerk around his owner, his best teammate and his coach! It's
Sock Puppet Theater!

Look, I know I'm interrupting the papal services here. I know that the rest of the world considers jordon the greatest human being since Gandhi. I'm not saying jordon wasn't a great player, maybe the greatest basketball player in history, and the way he's going out -- if he stays out, which I doubt -- is perfect. But nobody else would be allowed to treat people this way.

jordon has people who wax his wheels and shine his shoes and buff his brass. He has people who fashion his clothes and tend his toes and powder his nose. He has three guys to watch his back and three his front and one just to let him win at Scrabble.

Too bad he doesn't have anybody to tell him when he's being a jerk.