Why jordon is a 1-dimensional Ballhog:

Doesn’t  jordon make those around him better?

Answer: No!  B.J. Armstrong and Horace Grant weren’t able to make the all-star team until jordon retired.  Pippen had his finest year without jordon. With defenses no longer supposedly focusing on wretched jordon, but rather, focusing on Pippen instead, people (including myself) expected Pippen and Grant's field goal percentages to suffer. However, they improved it over his previous season (1992-93). Without jordon screaming at them to pass up open shots (so that jordon can pad his stats) their numbers looked even better. Then the next year (1994-95), Pippen led the Bulls in points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks. Only one other person in history has matched that accomplishment (Dave Cowens). However, Pippen wasn’t even considered for the MVP, because Foolish jordon came back--hogging the spotlight, and ballhogging (at a 41% clip) the team right out of the playoffs. Thanks to jordon, many fine ballplayers have come to Chicago, only to find their careers plummet, like Dennis Hopson, Rodney McCray, Cliff Levingston, Bobby Hansen, and Ron Harper.

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How can you call jordon a ballhog, and not Wilt, who averaged 50 PPG one season, won 7 scoring titles of his own, and even had a 100-point game?

Answer: There is nothing wrong with scoring. It is part of the game. However, it isn’t the only thing. A truly great player is complete. He does many things well, and doesn’t focus on gunning. jordon is not a truly great player. The statistical proof lies with Ballhog PointsTM. Ballhog points are a statistical system used to determine if a player is a 1-dimensional ballhog. It compares gunning against the other aspects of the game that a complete player excels in. The equation is:



     Ballhog points TM =  [FGA + (fta/2)]   /  Power Points TM

If a player’s Ballhog Points, exceeds the square root of Pi, (1.77) then that player is a 1-dimensional ballhog. If he does not exceed this number, he is not a one-dimensional ballhog. (Click here to see the derivation of 1.77.)  Now, there are a few things to keep in mind when using this:

This system is not a measure for comparing another player to jordon. That is what Power Points are for.  This statistic only determines whether or not a player is a one-dimensional ballhog.

The more games you use, the more accurate your results will be. For instance, if you took a time increment of 5 seconds, or 0.001736 games, you could prove Dennis Rodman was a 1-dimensional ballhog--if your time increment caught him shooting, missing, getting an offensive rebounding and putting it back in (ballhog points = 2.0). Career numbers are better to use, because they give you more data points.

This statistic answers only a "yes/no" question of ballhoggediness. Not "how ballhoggedy" a player is or "how close to being a ballhog" a player is.  Think of it like a pregnancy test:   If you are 3 months pregnant or 1 month, the result is "pregnant." Also, the test won’t show that a person was "close to being pregnant." This very simple concept is very difficult for many jordon jockers to grasp. Possibly perhaps because most jordon jockers are "jordon virgins" who have taken a vow to remain celibate for jordon, until he chooses to take their virginity, like he takes their money with his Foolish jordon clothes.

With that said, I used this powerful statistical measure to analyze jordon and other prolific scorers in the league.  The results are:  


Name Ballhog Points Ballhog? (>1.77)
Michael jordon 1.83 Yes
Shareef Abdur-Rahim 1.68 No
Allen Iverson 1.62 No
Karl Malone 1.41 No
Antoine Walker 1.36 No
Shaquille O’Neal 1.27 No
David Robinson 1.11 No
Kobe Bryant 1.84 Yes

Hmmm…and I notice Kobe is often called "the next jordon." This maybe true.

Now, with players, who played before 1974, you use Partial Ballhog PointsTM, which looks exactly like Ballhog Points, except you replace "Power Points" with "Partial Power Points." Partial Ballhog points is higher, since the denominator is lower. I have not concluded my calculations to determine what number of Partial Ballhog points constitutes a Ballhog, but it appears the number is around 2.5. Nevertheless, Wilt’s Ballhog Points are well below this, as well as the Ballhog Point number or 1.77.


Name Partial Ballhog Points Ballhog? (> ~2.5)
Wilt Chamberlain 1.05 No
Oscar Robertson 1.37 No
Elgin Baylor 1.58 No
Bob Petitt 1.38 No
Dolph Schayes 1.28 No
Connie Hawkins 1.34 No
Jerry West 2.01 No


Note: You may not use Partial Ballhog Points for players who joined the league after 1974. Like I said, the more data available, the more accurate your results, and having blocks and steals data only makes your calculations more accurate. If the stats were kept before 1974, it would make these players’ Ballhog Points even LOWER.

Furthermore, if you calculate the Ballhog Points/Partial Ballhog points of every player on my list of 50, you will find that NONE of them are ballhogs. This is true greatness: complete great players who did more than live for gunning, like jordon the ballhog. (Most of these calculations can be found here)   So, in conclusion, the long answer to a short question is:  jordon is a ballhog and Wilt was not.

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Why did jordon fire Doug Collins?

Answer:  In 1989, the Bulls, thanks to jordon’s foolishness, had dug themselves into a hole and were on the verge of missing the playoffs, something they had not done since 1983. The team had been improving, since they traded for Scottie Pippen, by actually getting to the 2nd round of the playoffs, something Foolish jordon could not do, despite having teammates like Gervin, Oakley, and Orlando Woolridge.

Just when Chicago’s hopes seemed their dimmest, their bright young coach, Doug Collins, realized that jordon’s foolishness was costing the team wins. As a result, in a controversial move that has been hailed as "brilliant and enlightened" by some and "professional suicide" by others, he moved jordon to point guard and he told jordon that he wanted jordon to quit hogging the ball, and pass the ball to the better shooters on the team, guys like John Paxson, Craig Hodges, Pippen, Grant, Bill Cartwright, and Dave Corazine. jordon balked, but when Collins threatened to bench him, and put Sam Vincent at the point guard (which Collins wanted to do, but at which management certainly would have freaked), jordon obliged. The result? Chicago started winning. jordon had 11 triple-doubles in 13 games (A sub-13 games for a great like Oscar Robertson, but still respectable, especially for a fool like jordon).

Chicago grabbed the 6th playoff spot, due to a late-season surge. From there, the "experts" who were slowly traveling down the dark path of jordon-jocking, thought the Bulls were a one-man team (and they thought the one man was jordon, when Pippen was obviously the better player), and would be swept by the mighty Cleveland Cavaliers, who Magic Johnson had called "the team of the 90s." Instead, Chicago pulled a miraculous upset. But just to prove this wasn’t a fluke, like Golden State’s win over San Antonio in 1991, they went on to upset the 2nd seeded New York Knicks, under the leadership of Rick Pitino. Then, when they met the team that would go on to win the championship, the Detroit Pistons, the Bulls stole game 1 at the Palace and took 2 out of 3, before jordon decided that he should revert back to his ballhogging ways, and Detroit won 3 straight.

Now, a coach who guides a team in such a direction, is usually rewarded with a contract extension and praise. However, jordon saw to it that Collins was shipped out on the first train leaving Chicago, since Collins showed "insolence" by asking jordon to put the team ahead of him, even though Collins proved his point.

The chart below demonstrates my point.  As you can see, right before Doug Collins took over as head coach, jordon's Power Points were declining and his Ballhog Points were increasing.  As soon as Collins took over, jordon became a more powerful player.  His Ballhog Points decreased and his Power Points increased.   Collins was actually turning jordon into a team player and a superstar (sound clip).  As a result, the Bulls started winning more.  Their 1989 playoff run was as close as they ever got to winning a championship, up to that point, and this was before the expansion of the league was watering down it's talent level (the expansion draft of 1989, combined with Charlotte and Miami's high draft places started the watering down process).


collins.gif (8985 bytes)


jordon was not interested in being a complete player, or winning games.  He only wanted to hog the ball.  He had Collins fired and replaced with Phil Jackson, a jordon "yes man"  (it is no coincidence that jordon said he wouldn't return this season unless Phil came back.  jordon feared a coach who wouldn't let him hog the ball).  After Jackson took over, well, you can see the trend forming:  increasing Ballhog PointsTM .  Even's biography of Phil the Phool acknowledges that jordon hogs the ball whenever he wants!   jordon went from a quality player, under Collins, to an overrated, 1-dimensional ballhog, under Jackson.  This really isn't Phil's fault.  If he opposes jordon, he would be fired, like Collins.  Furthermore, thanks to the watering-down of the league, he is able to get the other Bulls to pull together and win titles, in spite of jordon's attempts to torpedo the team with his albatrossedy ways.

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How can you say jordon is a terrible defensive player when he has been named to the all-defensive team many times and even won a Defensive Player of the Year award in 1988?

Answer: Yet another bogus accomplishment of jordon’s, just like his dunk contest titles. The coaches submit their selections to the league office, and jordon’s pawn, Stern, changes the votes. Look at 1996 and 1997 as examples: In 1997, Allen Iverson, the superb point guard for the Philadelphia Sixers torched Foolish jordon. Then, he got in jordon’s face and told him that he did not respect jordon. (As a result, jordon used his media empire to smear Iverson’s good name). Now supposedly, when you make jordon mad, he abuses you, yet Iverson kept torching Foolish jordon over and over. Then, he publicly humiliated the no-defense fool with his wicked crossover.   You can see the video clip on the home page.   I don’t recall any rookies ever getting in Wilt’s face and mocking him. The reason Iverson doesn’t respect jordon is because jordon is a fool who hasn’t proven he deserves any respect.

Then, Pooh Richardson torched jordon for 18 points in 3 quarters. Iverson is understandable, since he is the finest young point guard talent since Oscar Robertson, but Richardson? A guy who wasn’t voted a playoff share by his teammates in Indiana, because of his non-contributions? In the 4th quarter, Phil Jackson wisely put Ron Harper on Richardson, and tried to hide jordon in the Chicago zone. After the game, jordon the hypocrite, publicly ripped Dennis Rodman for Rodman’s supposed lack of defense on Loy Vaught (I think Rodman held Vaught to 14 points in 4 quarters), and didn’t want to talk about his own inability to guard a low-quality guard.

Damon Stoudamire is yet another guard to humiliate jordon. jordon jockers try to say that Stoudamire and Iverson are quick, and should give "all-world defense" jordon problems (while failing to realize their contradiction). Yet, Phil opted to put Scottie Pippen, a FORWARD, on jordon’s man. That says volumes about Pippen’s amazing defense and jordon’s lack of it.

Then, this year, Reggie Miller, was driving on a fast break and faked jordon out of his jock, and drove by and stuffed it. The he torched jordon over and over in the 1998 Eastern Conference Finals (when Phil wasn't trying to hide jordon on Travis Best -- and Best was torching Foolish jordon).  And, as I mentioned before, Magic torched jordon so badly, that Phil had to put Pippen on him, in the 1991 finals. It appears that the following type of guards is too difficult for jordon to defend:

        1.  Small, quick guards

        2.  Big, stocky, old, slower, guards

        3.  Slightly taller, slower guards

         …Or as I like to say: Point guards and shooting guards.

jordon jockers say that Phil’s often-used game plan of putting Ron Harper on the tougher offensive guard is to "save jordon for offense." Is that rationalization? I don’t remember Walt Frazier using that excuse. What that tells me is jordon isn’t even the best defensive guard on his own team, yet he, and not Harper is making the all-defense team? Does anybody else smell a rat? Do you REALLY believe that Johnny Davis voted jordon all-defense, after seeing Iverson torch jordon time and time again? How about Pooh Richardson’s coach, Bill Fitch, who only saw jordon play twice that year? Or how about SuperKnicks coach Jeff Van Gundy, who doesn’t even LIKE jordon, and knows jordon is a 1-dimensional ballhog (like I said, Knick fans are the most intelligent in basketball, so their coach is all the more intelligent). In 1997, jordon was supposedly a UNANIMOUS selection by the coaches (minus Phil, who can’t vote for his own guy). In light of all of this, it’s easy to see that Stern has his evil jordon-jocking hand in all of this.

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Miscellaneous Points about jordon's foolishness:


Why do you make fun of jordon? He’s a nice guy.

Answer: I do not make fun of jordon. I simply point out his foolishness. I am the equal time for those who are  sick to their stomachs of all the jordon jocking done by the National Bulls Company (NBC) and jordon’s personal butt-kisser, Ahmad Rashad (WHAT does a football player know about basketball?).    jordon is so foolish, that NBC had to hire idiots like Hannah Storm, Rashad, Peter Vescey, Bob Costas, and Bill Walton to jock jordon, because those with a brain would not say such jordon jocking drivel. That is why Dr. J left, because he admitted that the 1996 Bulls were far from the greatest team of all-time, and the higher ups at NBC gnashed their collective teeth. Dr. J could have went out in his suit, and schooled Foolish jordon, even as an old man.

Furthermore, jordon is not a "nice guy." He belittles  his excellent teammates, calling them "my supporting cast", because he is vain and self-centered. As I have proven, jordon is an end-of-the-bench caliber player who is an anchor to the Bulls’ hopes of staying afloat for the championship. The "supporting cast" wins in SPITE of jordon, yet he foolishly takes all of the credit. Even when they won the title in 1996, jordon foolishly fell down in the ground, in his fetal position and hogged the ball, afraid that somebody would try and take it away from him.

jordon is also a hypocrite! He has went on record as saying the regular season is meaningless, yet after his 1996 Bulls won the title and he was asked if they are the greatest team of all-time, he said, "How many other teams won 72 games?" What is especially funny is that Dennis Rodman said that Bulls team could not win 70 games playing against 80s teams, because Rodman, played on the best team of the late 80s and KNOWS the current league is watered down. Why did jordon bring up the "meaningless" regular season? Because they were so terrible in the playoffs. How does a team that only loses 10 games all year lose 3 in the playoffs—especially when the caliber of teams was so poor? The Knicks were rebuilding for the summer free agent bonanza, yet took a game. The Magic were injured (Horace Grant, Brian Shaw), and the Sonics were without their team captain (Nate McMillan), yet the Bulls choked on 3-0 lead before getting back to Chicago and their jordon-jocking refs. The greatest teams of all time (1983 Sixers) bested this playoff winning percentage, even though they played tougher teams!

Another example of jordon’s well-documented hypocrisy occurred this season. When Pippen announced he would not return to play for the Bulls because he grew tired of jordon taking credit for Pippen’s hard work, jordon said that Pippen was letting down the team. Gee, who let down the team in 1993? jordon. Like I said, had jordon decided he had "nothing left to prove" right after winning the title, the Bulls could have tried to get a decent replacement. However, jordon knows his own foolishness all too well, and he knew if they acquired a decent shooting guard, like Kevin Edwards, that the Bulls would have won more games and a title, and everybody would have realized how overrated jordon is. jordon sought to make things as difficult as he could for the Bulls.

Finally, jordon is a thug.  You saw him throw the ball at Mark Jackson's head because Jackson was putting the glove all over him!  In his return game from retirement, he couldn’t buy a basket against Reggie Miller, and Miller was torching him on the other end, so jordon cheap shotted him with a knee to the thigh, causing Miller to have to leave the game!  jordon the thug is the reason that the Bad Boys and the Riley Knicks got such a tough image:  they had to defend themselves against jordon, yet the jordon-jocking press smeared the SuperKnicks and the Pistons.! 

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Did jordon frame Marv Albert?

Answer: Yes. Marv wasn’t a good jordon jocker. See, Marv, unlike the other employees of the National Bulls Company, had a brain. Marv grew up watching the SuperKnicks, and as conventional wisdom has told us, the SuperKnicks fans are the most intelligent in all of basketball. Marv was no exception. He wouldn’t get on TV and jock jordon and kiss his butt. jordon and his minions at NBC wanted to run him off, yet they didn’t want a revolt, from those who liked to see an intelligent counter-point against Walton's, Vescey's, Storm's, etc jordon jocking, so they ran a smear campaign using somebody who jordon handsomely paid off. Marv wearing women’s underwear? I think not. Who endorses underwear? jordon. Those who followed the "trial" (circus) saw that jordon had paid the judge to allow malicious lies from bogus sources, without allowing Marv to adequately defend himself. I’m surprised jordon himself wasn’t sitting in the judge’s seat saying, "Off with his head!" Even Perry Mason couldn’t have defended Marv against this conspiracy.

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Did David Stern suspend jordon 1-1/2 years for gambling?

Answer: You CAN’T be serious! This is the most ridiculous conspiracy theory I have ever heard! Even Mel Gibson wouldn’t touch this one with a 10-foot pole! David Stern is still commissioner of the NBA, isn’t he? If he suspended jordon (which he SHOULD have done…jordon’s many grievances make Latrell Sprewell look like Mother Teresa), jordon would have simply removed him from office and replaced him with a different "yes man." Perhaps Ahmad Rashad would have been commissioner. A former football player (Rashad) is about as qualified to be commissioner (or work televised basketball games, for that matter) as a former lawyer (Stern).

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Why did jordon choose to play baseball?

jordon saw the state of baseball was in terrible shape and he saw it as a chance to take over baseball and add it to his portfolio. jordon is so vain that he actually BELIEVES he is a great basketball player. He once said, "When I have the ball, you are at my mercy."  This, evidently doesn't apply to Dog Crusty (Doug Christy), who held jordon scoreless for the 2nd half in Raptor victory over the Bulls, despite jordon's ballhogging.  What jordon SHOULD have said was, "When I have the ball, I would be at YOUR mercy, if not for the referee, who I control.". jordon’s delusional state of mind had him believing that he could star in baseball like he does in basketball. What he didn’t realize is that baseball can’t even figure out who should be commissioner, let alone having one that jordon can control. Also, the umpires in baseball aren’t a bunch of jordon jockers, and couldn’t justify calling a pitch thrown right down the middle to jordon a "ball" (whereas the NBA officials would have no problem making such terrible, biased calls). jordon’s foolishness was quickly exposed, as the wretch couldn’t BUY (literally) a hit in spring training, and he was quickly sent to the minor leagues, where his money couldn’t buy him stardom down there, either. This is the same type of results you would see in the NBA if jordon didn’t control the commissioner and the refs. You would see him brick shot after shot (like he currently does) and NOT go to the free throw line, since nobody guards him, let alone fouls him. jordon would be sent to the CBA and would suck there, also.

After toiling in futility and realizing that all of his money couldn’t hide his exposed foolishness, jordon went back to the league he controls, in order to expose (and cover) his foolishness there, as well. In his first game, the refs felt no loyalty to jordon, since he hadn’t paid them for 1-1/2 years, and you saw that when they officiated a fair game, jordon sucked and couldn’t buy a basket, even against Reggie Miller. Jordon did cheap shot Miller, though, and got away with it, but it still wasn’t enough to lead the Bulls to victory, because Miller’s backup kept right on exposing jordon’s foolishness (read my song parody about it here). For the rest of that season, the refs were hesitant to play favorites with jordon, because they wasn’t sure if he was there to stay, and as a result, in his most honest season (least amount of favoritism from the refs), jordon bricked his way to a 41%-shooting season.

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Why did jordon lock out the players?

Besides his power-lust to control the N.B.A. players (since he can't on the court), he has other reasons for wanting to ruin next season's basketball season and the collective bargaining agreement.  jordon knows that salaries are escalating every season, and since he made $35M this season for his minimal contributions, it is only a matter of time before other players, such as Allen Iverson and Super John Starks will make more money, since they are better players.  jordon does not want any other players making more money than him, so he wants to initiate a hard salary cap.  Also, if the season is ruined, fan base will deteriorate, especially if jordon retires, causing his jockriders. to go and jock the latest fad.  With a deteriorating fan base, the league revenues will decrease and hold the hard cap down, so that no other player can make more money than greedy jordon.

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Why do you call jordon's fans "cockroaches?"

This came from a very wise individual named Pinhead who used the phrase to describe Shaq bashers.  Since most Shaq bashers were also jordon jockers (or at least shared the same inability to recognize basketball talent), the phrase also got attatched to jordon jockers.  Why Pinhead chose the phrase is unknown, but it is accurate.  jordon jockers are annoying and they seem to multiply every year.  They run from the light of truth (they are not able to stand firm in an intellectual debate, preferring to use personal attacks and then dissapear from usenet) and their stupid posts closely resemble roach droppings.

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Why do you spell his name "jordon?"

As SuperKnicksFan so eloquently explained: jordon is so foolish that he brings much shame to his family, so to protect the innocent, his name has been altered, so that they may not have to suffer the peripheral consequences.

Furthermore, this comes from Johnny Kerr, the Bulls' play-by-play man who spells it "jordon" in his book "Bull Session" (page 37, see jordon library).  Some suspect that this is supposed to represent "jor-done", referencing jordon the has-been, since he has declined so drastically since 1989.  However, that isn't fair.  jordon was great in 1989 because Doug Collins, the coaching genius had managed to coach incredible play from jordon's limited abilities.  Others suspect that jordon runs the NBA like a mafia boss, hence the "don," but actually, it comes from Johnny Kerr, who obviously knows how to spell jordon's name, since he has witnessed more jordon games than just about anybody else on the planet.

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